


Windswept

by Kaillingme (Setty94)



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Car Accidents, Character Death, Coma, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:56:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setty94/pseuds/Kaillingme
Summary: All Baekhyun wanted was for things to go back to normal. Back to the days before the crash.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Was called Te Solvi, but as I was editing and rewriting, this title fits better.
> 
> AFF Link for those who prefer that platform: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/657791/windswept-angst-baekyeol-kaisoo-baekai-kaibaek

[Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/12182903693/playlist/2nB2i4O3i2OrhHaXMmhtJ1)

 

* * *

 

_‘Something isn’t right.’_

The acrid odor of burning rubber mixed with gasoline filled Baekhyun’s nose. He opened his eyes slowly, feeling dazed and heavy. His vision faded in and out of focus for a few seconds until he shook his head, leaving one eye with perfect vision while the other was blurred. A warm and sticky liquid was running down the side of his face. He reached up – what he thought was up – to touch the substance and his fingers came back red. Panic rose in his chest and he took a few calming breaths before trying to turn his head only to find he was awkwardly positioned with his head pointing down.

He moved slowly to right himself, hands crunching bits of glass, sat with his knees to his chest. He had no idea where he was, or what he was in. The sound of groaning metal made him jump and as his eyes continued to adjust he realized he was in a car. He glanced around trying to figure out where the door was and realized he was sitting against it. His eyes widened when he caught site of a pale hand dangling across the center console. Somehow he ended up in the back seat but he was still unsure.

The last thing he remembered was laughing at something Chanyeol had said and then they were spinning out of control. The streetlights creating lines against the night sky and the numbing silence as his life flashed before his eyes were the most vivid in his mind. He remembered glancing over at Chanyeol whose eyes were large and rounded trying to figure out what he was saying something, but it was unintelligible.

Then, as if his ears had caught up with the scene, there was the sound of the tires skidding and Chanyeol’s voice going hoarse as he yelled. He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and shouted at Baekhyun again to put his seatbelt on. A sudden jerk and the car was tumbling end over end – Baekhyun remembered feeling weightless during those seconds – until it came to a stop on the driver’s side.

After gathering his thoughts, Baekhyun looked towards Chanyeol and saw blood dripping onto the passenger door. His skin was stark white against the black leather interior and the blood looked dark and inky in the moonlight. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. It was as if he had frozen himself in time watching the drop fall in slow motion until it too was frozen. He tried to move, but it felt like he was underwater. The moment his sense of time returned, he was being pulled out the back windshield by a thick armed fireman.

Blaring sirens and the rumble of engines as cars pulled over trying to see what had happened, attacked his ears. Baekhyun stood still for a moment, dully noting that his vitals were being checked. A voice off to his side spoke in thick disjointed words and he later found out he had suffered a moderate concussion.

Again, time seemed to slow down as Chanyeol was pulled from the wreckage. “Chanyeol!” He screamed, one arm outstretched and legs kicking. He yanked off the sensors and IV and stumbled to the car, knees knocking and a cold sweat on his skin. He watched as they laid him on the ground and applied pressure to the wound on the side of his neck. He was lifted carefully onto the stretcher and everything faded in and out.

“Hurry before he bleeds out!” A paramedic called out waving his arm to round up his partners into the back of the ambulance.

Baekhyun wobbled, legs giving out from under him as he watched the blood soak the side of the stretcher. The doors closed and the ambulance took off leaving the world spinning. Blackness met him before the ground.

 

\--

 

By now Baekhyun had grown used to the monotonous beeping sound of the heart monitor and the rasp of the respirator. It had been nearly three months since he started his daily visits and as far as he could tell, there was not much of a change in Chanyeol. He smoothed tendrils of hair back. His dark roots were showing and his hair had grown much longer in the past few months. His skin was warm to the touch, but other than that there were no other signs of life.

A man in a white lab coat and thick rimmed glasses frowned slightly as he read the report on the clipboard. Baekhyun’s heart jumped into his throat, he knew the look meant bad news and he could not bear to have any more. After losing his job, he had to take up working in the back of a restaurant. It was his request that he dealt with as few people as possible, especially in his fragile state, but each day without Chanyeol was growing longer. The doctor gave him a concerned look before stepping out of the room.

Their voices floated through the door. Phrases like _no brain activity_ and _not sure if he’s ever going to gain consciousness_ made Baekhyun sick to the stomach. He clenched the sheet in his fists. How could they talk about Chanyeol like that? Of course he’d wake up, he just needed more time. At least, that’s what Baekhyun told himself.

When the doctor returned, he cleared his throat and smiled clinically. “There have been no changes in his condition Mr. Byun.”

“Nothing at all?” Baekhyun asked, his chest tightening and breathing becoming shallower. He placed his hand on Chanyeol’s over the starched white blanket. As long as he had a heartbeat, he was still alive.

The doctor flipped through the pages and shook his head. “Last week there was a spike in brain activity, but since then, there’s been nothing.” He placed the clipboard on the bed and pulled the black rolling stool over towards Baekhyun and sat on it. “We still have a few more tests before we know whether or not he’s completely brain dead.” He pursed his lips. “Until then, just keep talking to him, I know not every believes the comatose can hear, but I do.” He patted Baekhyun on the shoulder while reaching for the clipboard and left.

The click of the door signaled the floodgates and Baekhyun sunk to his knees holding Chanyeol’s hand. “Please wake up. _Please._ ” He paused and listened to the heart monitor and then sighed. He brushed his lips against the back of Chanyeol’s hand and paused again, listening. The moment of hope was gone, and he stood up to start the routine.

Inside his bag was Chanyeol’s mp3 player and a mini-speaker. Baekhyun brought them over and set it up. It was soft background music and it helped him sort his thoughts before he began speaking. “Channie, do you remember our first date?” he smiled sadly fondly remembering the night as if it had just happened. “We didn’t have much money so we went to that diner and ordered a meal for us to share. I was really nervous and watched you eat and talk instead joining in, but you didn’t seem to mind. You always liked talking and I was content to just listen.”

He clasped Chanyeol’s hand. “I couldn’t help but think that somehow I was dreaming, because there was no way that you’d share my feelings too.” He stopped as his throat was tightening and calmed himself before continuing. “Then my stomach wouldn’t stop growling so and we had already used up all our money, but the owner gave us another meal for free. He was really nice…I work there now you know?” Baekhyun rubbed his thumb over the back of Chanyeol’s hand, vividly reliving their first date. “After that we drove to the park and stared at the sky while talking. It was something that we also did as kids, but it felt more personal that night.”

“We didn’t do much, but that was why I liked it. It was so casual and yet we had a great time.” He gave Chanyeol’s hand a squeeze. “When you took me home at dawn and kissed me, I wanted to sneak you into my room.” He laughed a bit. “But you were gone so fast after the kiss I thought you didn’t like me. So I spent the whole day thinking I did something wrong and that I should have kept my feelings to myself, but then, the next night, you knocked on my window…”  

Baekhyun smiled weakly. They had been only sixteen at the time, but somehow everything fell into place and it wasn’t long before they were planning the rest of their lives together. And then it all changed, at 22, Baekhyun was sitting on the edge of the bed, caressing Chanyeol’s limp hand, hoping that somehow he’d wake up.

Baekhyun’s nose stung and his vision blurred. The plopping sound of his tears hitting the blanket accompanied the beeping of the heart monitor. He sat there for a few minutes crying, until his chest tightened so much he could barely breathe. He kissed Chanyeol’s forehead lightly before packing up and heading out to his car.

 

 

**Two Years Later**

 

As usual, Baekhyun went through his morning routine. He woke up feeling hollow and numb, brushed his teeth while staring lifelessly at his reflection, taking care not to look at Chanyeol’s toothbrush. He still had not had the strength to pack up his things so each day was a stabbing reminder of what was missing. He washed his face and then ran his fingers through his hair.

_Just get through the day._

Baekhyun got dressed and then headed out to the restaurant across from the diner where he and Chanyeol had had their first date. He had quit a few months ago when the owner passed away. It seemed that everything related to Chanyeol was leaving him. The memory slinked out to the front of his mind, but he ignored it, instead focusing on the traffic. A small silver two door car cut him off and made a hairpin turn into the parking lot. Baekhyun sighed and followed behind the car until he got to his usual spot and stared at his steering wheel for a moment. He sighed and got out, giving the driver of the silver car a passing glance.

Once inside, his coworkers said their usual greeting of ‘ _hello’_ and ‘ _you’re looking better each day_ ’ and Baekhyun gave them a polite head nod and scurried to the back. Baekhyun liked it that way. The less he interacted with people the better. It was why he was not a waiter and instead a prep cook. All he had to do was take inventory of the pantry and then prepare the food for the cooks. It was easy and required very little talking on his part. He could zone out and ignore the dull throb in his chest.

Today, however, was different. As he shuffled over to the pantry to take inventory, the general manager stopped him and asked him to his office.

“I know you’re going through tough times right now, but we are short a waiter today and I need you to take over.”

“But–”

“It’s just for today, and if you do well, you’re looking at a promotion with a pay raise.”

Baekhyun glanced down at his feet and sighed. “Okay.” He knew he needed the money and his landlord’s kindness would run out soon if he couldn’t pay off the back rent. Yet, he wanted nothing to do with serving because that meant dealing with customers and he was not feeling up to that especially not this early.

He was given his table numbers and an apron to put on before being pushed out to take the first order. When he arrived at the table, there was a man sitting there with his head in his hands. It was the driver of the silver car. Baekhyun cleared his throat, “Are you ready to order sir?”

The man slowly looked up at him, face haggard and hair in sticking up at odd angles. “Give me a second.” He mumbled and flipped open the menu, eyes grazing over the contents. He breathed as though he was holding back tears and the longer Baekhyun stood there, the more he felt uncomfortable.

Baekhyun watched the man bite his lip and saw his eyes water before he turned away to give the man some semblance of privacy. He was curious what could bring someone to the brink of tears and yet not upset them enough to stay at home. A tiny part of him connected with him though. Both suffering, but not quite ready to admit it to themselves. “I can come back if you want?”

The man inhaled deeply and then cleared his throat. “No it’s okay. I’ll just have the chicken sandwich combo.” He pointed to the picture and smiled but his lips quivered for a second before he cleared his throat again.

_‘He has nice lips.’_

It was in and out his head before he could stop himself. His eyes snapped to the notepad, writing down the order. He asked, “What to drink?” His cheeks burned.

The man stared at him and frowned slightly, “I’ll have a beer.”

Baekhyun wrote that down as well, noting that it was a bit early for drinking, but passed no judgment. He had gone through his own drinking phase. The need to be numb had been strong after that first month of visitations. These days, he simply woke up numb, so he guessed that was an improvement.

He turned to leave but the guy reached out for him, “I never got your name.”

Baekhyun ignored the tingling sensation on his skin where the man had touched him and gave his best fake smile. “Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun.”

“I’m Jongin.” He responded and then let go of Baekhyun. He flicked his gaze towards the ground off to Baekhyun’s right.

 

\--

 

At the hospital, Baekhyun pulled out the mp3 player and then shoved it back in his bag. He wanted to change up the routine and see if that helped. He walked over to Chanyeol and brushed his hair out of his face. It was completely black now as the blonde had grown out. He still looked peaceful as the machines kept him alive. He cautiously touched his cheek with the back of his hand and stared at him. Baekhyun kissed him, hoping that somehow he’d get a response. He watched and listened, his hope turning into desperation.

He ran his hands over him, and even tried putting his hands under the blankets, but still there was no response. A brief flash of panic coursed through him and he tried kissing him again. “Wake up.” He whispered. He gave him a few light slaps and nothing changed. He pressed his lips to every bit of skin that was exposed and listened, his heart beating erratically. Feeling numb, he climbed off of Chanyeol and sat on the edge, not touching him.

Baekhyun stared at the ground not quite catching the thoughts going through his head. He had been hoping that there would be some type of response by now. Even if it was just a finger twitch or a slight increase of his heart rate, he just wanted something to let him know that Chanyeol was still there. His eyes drifted to the wall and he bit his lip trying not to focus on those thoughts anymore. He remained like that until the doctor walked in. He glanced up at him, “Hey Kris.”

Kris nodded and waved Baekhyun to the chairs. “I have some information to give you.”

Baekhyun slid off the bed and walked over slowly. The beeping and low hum of the machines seemed to grow louder as he noticed the drawn look on Kris’s face. “What is it?”

Kris sighed. “Mr. Park has been here for almost three years, Mr. Byun.” He handed him the papers. “We have two choices: we take him off life support and pump his blood with morphine and let him go out peacefully, or we leave him in your care. You are the only person we can contact at this point, so it’s up to you.”

Baekhyun’s heartbeat increased. His ears rang. How was he supposed to make a decision like that? Where was Chanyeol’s family for that matter? He knew they had been at odds the past few years because they wanted to pull the plug after a week, and yet they weren’t here. “What about his parents? Don’t they have a say?”

“You already know their stance. To them when Chanyeol was declared brain dead, they considered him gone.” Kris pursed his lips. “At this point, he’s not going to wake up, Mr. Byun.”

The papers fell from his hands and he glared at Kris. “How dare you say that.” Chanyeol was still breathing and still had a heartbeat. As far as Baekhyun was concerned, that meant he was alive. But thoughts of him just being gone had been plaguing him recently. There hadn’t been much change over the months and now the future seemed bleaker.

Kris frowned and picked up the papers. “We need the space, but you do have until the end of the year to decide. Otherwise he’ll be transferred to a hospice nearby.” He shook his head, “There’s just not much we can do now.” He left the room and the air grew colder.

Baekhyun swayed and caught himself on the chair before sinking into it. He was hyperaware of the sounds of the room. The voices of the nurses talking just outside the door faded as the beeping seemed to make his vision throb. He stared at Chanyeol and wondered if he was still there or if he was gone from the moment of the crash. Was it selfish of him to keep him barely alive, hooked up to all sorts of machines, just so that he could prolong his presence? Could he actually make this decision on his own?

The more he thought about it, the heavier the air pressed down on him. He vision swam and he was in desperate need of a drink. He gave Chanyeol one last glance before grabbing his stuff off the counter and rushing out of the room. It felt suffocating just to be in the same room as him, especially now that he had even more on his shoulders.

 

\--

 

The bar smelled strongly of tobacco and alcohol. It was one of the few bars that allowed indoor smoking, so it was packed. The air was hazy with smoke, but Baekhyun did not care. What did it matter if he took care of himself or not? After all there was no one he would be returning home to, no one he’d be spending the rest of his life with. It had been a few months since he was given the papers, and they still sat on his desk, recently signed. He had made his mind up, but was not ready to go through with it.

He scanned the boisterous crowd and his eyes fell on one person, as they walked in. The familiar flip of his stomach made him squeeze the glass in his hand tighter. He felt treacherous for having such a reaction to seeing Jongin, but he had been somewhat of a constant over the past months.

The lighting was dim enough to give Jongin a golden glow as he slid into the chair across from Baekhyun. “I’ll have–”

“Your usual?” Baekhyun said and turned to face the wall. His heart was fluttering in his chest and he forced himself to sound calm and uninterested. After all, he still had a boyfriend. When he turned around, he almost dropped the glass.

Jongin was smiling at him brightly. “You know me well.”

Baekhyun nodded, biting his tongue and slid his drink to him, careful to avoid eye contact. He was called over by another customer and silently thanked them for taking him away from Jongin. He lingered as long as he could before the customer gave him a strange look and then moved on to washing the glasses for a third time. He caught sight of his reflection and frowned. His gaze was empty and drained, but he did look more haggard than usual.

“Why do you always look like the whole world is crashing down on you?” Jongin asked a few hours later, obviously a little more than tipsy.

Baekhyun shrugged his shoulders and continued wiping down the counter. It was just after midnight and the main restaurant had closed, leaving just him behind. The smoke had cleared thanks to the open door, so he could see every detail of Jongin when he glanced at him. His face warmed at the gaze he was receiving and cleaned the table near the bar while Jongin talked aimlessly.

“I had a good day at work today.” Jongin continued. “Got a few new students in my beginners’ class that are looking promising. And my advanced class is going to be putting on a show for charity soon. They’re quite excited because I’ll be dancing with them.” He rambled. “It’s the first time I’ve really felt like dancing in the past six months.”

Baekhyun made a sound of acknowledgment and tried to find something to do. He drummed his fingers on his legs, carefully crafting his thoughts around everything but the hospital. Jongin seemed like a good distraction, he had this puppy-like air to him, like he was only here because Baekhyun was here.  He stood by the entrance to the counter for a few seconds before looking up and catching Jongin staring at him. “What?” He asked, feeling heat creep onto his cheeks.

“You’re kind of cute.” Jongin said smiling softly.

Baekhyun stared at him wide eyed. “I have a boy–” He stopped and pain contorted his face. He thought back to the papers and braced himself on the counter. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t just let Chanyeol fade away like that. He clenched his fists and breathed for a moment. He had to do it. He had to let Chanyeol go, but it was so hard. He turned to Jongin with a heaviness settling over him. Part of him wanted nothing more but to just curl up on the floor and not move. “It’s complicated.” He said at last.

Jongin frowned slightly. “I wasn’t trying to – well I was, but okay.” He frowned even more and took a swig from his drink. He stood and wobbled slightly. “I’ll go.”

He watched him for a second, feeling as though he was crawling through a fog. “Wait.” Baekhyun reached after him and then paused. Why was he stopping Jongin? He hardly knew the guy and yet he knew more about him than he’d like. Yet, he was the only person that constantly went out of his way just to remind Baekhyun that he had emotions deep down that did not consist of pain and heartbreak. Maybe he could let him in a bit, just enough so that he had someone to lean on, now that he had no one.

Jongin stared at him. His expression was curious in an innocent way. His dark hair framed his face and his full lips were slightly curled into a smile. He looked boyish and devilish at the same time. He raised an eyebrow when Baekhyun didn’t say anything and then turned to keep walking.

Baekhyun stepped after him. “J-Jongin you can’t drive in that condition.” It was true. He couldn’t just let him drive like that or he’d crash and– Baekhyun shook his head. He can’t let Jongin go out and get himself killed. Small goose bumps formed on his forearms when Jongin turned back around and grinned.

“Worried?” He slurred and swayed, grabbing the door frame to balance himself.

Baekhyun raised a finger. There was no way Jongin could drive. He’d go off road or hit a tree, or try to avoid an animal and _suddenly the car is spinning and everything is going too fast and_ – Baekhyun caught himself. He cleared his throat. “Let me lock up and I’ll drive you home, okay?” He ran to the back, hands shaking, and grabbed his coat and keys. He gave the restaurant one last look over and hurried out the door. As he was locking it, he felt Jongin’s eyes burning his skin on the back of his neck.

He spun around and saw Jongin leaning against a black sedan. Baekhyun wondered how Jongin knew what car was his and then remembered that his car was the only other car in the lot aside from Jongin’s. He pressed the unlock button and hurried over to the driver side.

Jongin’s scent filled the car and Baekhyun found himself sweating despite the cold. It was a rich smell mixed with a bit of alcohol and the sweet smoke of cigars, but it made Baekhyun heady. He turned the air on full blast to disperse it, but it only got stronger.

“Where do you live?” Baekhyun asked as he backed out. He was trembling all over, he still hated driving at night, and having an inebriated passenger only made him more nervous. _‘Stay calm. You’ve driven at night plenty of times since the accident, tonight is no different.’_

“Just take me to your place, I’ll crash on the couch and that way when you come to work tomorrow, I can get my car.”

Baekhyun glanced over at Jongin and saw him leaning against the window with his eyes closed. ‘ _I can do that.’_ He had less of an issue driving somewhere he knew well, but Baekhyun had the day off tomorrow. “I’m not working tomorrow.”

“Oh good. We can go to breakfast then.” Jongin said, eyes still closed. His lips quirked into a smile and he turned to face Baekhyun. “As friends, I don’t want to intrude on your,” He waved his hand in the air, “…relationship.” He laughed, but it had a hint of bitterness.

Baekhyun glanced at him and saw Jongin staring out the window. He wondered what was on his mind and by the time they pulled up to his apartment, Jongin was blabbering about some guy named Kyungsoo.

“Then he runs off with this _guy_ and never even gave me any notice. He just left.” Jongin stared at his hands.

Something clicked in his head as he listened. “Is that why you were so upset that one day?” He blurted it out before realizing how creepy it sounded that he remembered the first time he saw him. But it was almost relaxing to hear him speak. It numbed his mind and kept him distracted.

Jongin stared at him with curiosity. “Yeah. That was the day I came home and saw all his stuff gone. We, uh, we were supposed to go out for lunch so I went anyway thinking he’d show up, but he never did.”

Baekhyun reached to pat Jongin on the back as he placed a cup of warm water down in front of him but stopped. “That’s horrible.” He wasn’t sure if he could touch him. He had drawn so into himself that the most intimate contact he had had since the accident was a hug from the wife of the owner of the diner. She had latched onto him the day he put in his two weeks’ notice.

Jongin nodded and sipped the water staring at their reflection in the television screen. “I guess he just didn’t feel the same anymore.”

Baekhyun frowned. He knew that Jongin wouldn’t remember any of what he was saying in the morning and now he knew even more about Jongin that he really did not want to know. And yet, listening to his drunken laments had kept his mind off of Chanyeol, in fact just being around Jongin, made him not think of him. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but it was the first time in a while that that he didn’t feel so trapped inside himself.

Jongin finished the glass of water and laid back against the couch, looking at Baekhyun with interest. “What about you? Why are things so ‘complicated’ with you?”

Baekhyun shot him a confused look, but Jongin genuinely seemed to care and that knocked a few bricks off Baekhyun’s emotional walls. He took a deep breath and began, “I was in a crash about three years ago…the car flipped and my boyfriend ended up in a coma.” The last part was rushed, but it was a bit of a relief now that he said it aloud and so he continued. “I visit him every day before work and talk to him. Sometimes I sing and sometimes I just sit there in the same room.” He glanced at the coffee table. “The doctors have tried everything. He hasn’t even had any signs of still being there. They asked me to sign the waiver that lets them take him off life support and I can’t let them.” His breath stuttered. He didn’t want Chanyeol to go, he wanted him to wake up so everything could be perfect again. He wanted to be held in his arms and to feel the rumbles of his laughter. He wanted to smell that familiar scent and to feel life he wasn’t going to fall apart at any second. It had been three years and he still couldn’t let go.

Jongin placed a gentle hand on Baekhyun’s back and rubbed soothing circles. “Hey, it’s okay.”

Baekhyun looked at him and his breath caught in his throat. Seeing Jongin up this close was heart stopping. After a moment, he glanced back at the table. “They asked me to cut off the machines…” He repeated and his vision blurred. It had been so long since he last cried and he was afraid if he started now, he might not stop for days.

Jongin said nothing but continued rubbing his back. Baekhyun swallowed thickly. “I don’t know if I’m being selfish or if he really will wake up.” He let himself be pulled into a hug and stayed there. He felt guilty for not moving, but Jongin smelled so good and was so warm.

His eyes closed and he listened to the rhythm of Jongin’s breathing. There was no beeping or hum from life support. There was no smell of cleaning agents or the musky scent of an unchanged clothes. Sure the body felt different, but the embrace brought him back to the days when he would lay in Chanyeol’s arms all day, not wanting to leave and pretending to sleep.

Somewhere between his thoughts of Chanyeol before the accident and his conversation with Jongin, Baekhyun fell asleep. It was the first time he was not plagued by nightmares of the crash.

 

Baekhyun woke up to Jongin smiling at him fresh out of the shower. “I hope you don’t mind that I showered and washed my clothes.”

Baekhyun shook his head, eyes wide and absorbing every inch of Jongin’s tanned skin. He looked away when he heard Jongin snort. Blushing, he sprung to his feet. “I’m going to get ready to take you to your car.” He said gruffly and pushed past Jongin making sure to brush against his arm.

Once inside his room he sat against the door and exhaled loudly. He could hear the blood rushing in his veins as his heart beat erratically. There was no way he was getting those feelings back, they belonged to Chanyeol and Chanyeol alone.

He glanced up at the photo of him and Chanyeol on his nightstand and pulled his knees to his chest. He missed the way his smile was lopsided and how sometimes one eye closed more than the other when he laughed. He missed the way he’d ruffle his hair even though he hated it when he did that. He even missed the way Chanyeol knew every button to push to bring him to the edge of his anger. But most of all, he missed seeing Chanyeol awake and doing things.

Fat, hot tears plopped onto Baekhyun’s arms as he stared at the picture. He crawled over to the nightstand and held the photo to his chest, silently crying. He bit his fist to keep from making any sound and curled around the picture. Guilt rendered him immobile so he laid there while the tears slid across his nose and onto the floor.

The door opened and suddenly Jongin was kneeling by Baekhyun with a concerned expression. He reached down and pulled Baekhyun to his feet and pressed his lips together as he led him to the shower.

Baekhyun stood in the middle of the bathroom after Jongin closed the door and slowly undressed. A different kind of numbness filled him. He let the hot water run over him until it gradually became icy.

“You okay in there?” Jongin asked as he knocked.

Baekhyun turned the water off and wrapped a towel around himself before answering Jongin. “Yeah.” He opened the door and met Jongin’s eyes briefly before hurrying to his room to get dressed. Jongin followed after him and stood in the doorway.

“Let’s do something to take your mind off things.” He smiled.

Baekhyun stared at him and nodded before turning his back to him. He waited until the door closed before dropping the towel and quickly dressed. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and sighed.

 

They switched to Jongin’s car and Baekhyun found himself gripping the door handle. He had not ridden as a passenger since the accident. The scene flashed before his eyes and he cried out. His chest felt so tight, like he was being crushed from every direction. Every time he inhaled it felt like he was getting crushed even more. His fingers gripped the door handle even tighter, until his knuckles ached. His vision blackened on the edges and all he could see were the flashes of red and blue lights. And blood. So much blood. A pale hand. Limp and lifeless draped across the center console. Glass. Glass everywhere. In his skin, on the ground.

He sucked in a shallow breath. His lungs were on fire, everything was closing in on him and –

“Baekhyun?” Jongin asked, his words seemed slow to Baekhyun’s ears.

They had pulled over on the side of the road. The scene of the crash faded from his vision and he tentatively looked around. It was day time and they were nowhere near the crash site. Baekhyun slowly released his grip. His hand ached as he stretched it out. He stared at his hand as the color returned to his fingers. He couldn’t meet Jongin’s gaze. “I was the passenger.”

“I’m sorry. Would you rather drive?” The car’s engine grew louder for a moment then quieted as the car idled and Jongin pulled up the parking break.

Baekhyun shook his head. “No. Just take me home please." He clasped his hands in his lap and stared at them. He knew he should have said no to Jongin. This was too much for him.

 

\--

 

 

A couple hours later Baekhyun woke up in a fog. He reached over instinctively feeling for Chanyeol in his dream-like state. His fingers brushed upon soft skin and he froze. Had everything been a dream? Had the whole crash been a terrible nightmare? Had he finally woken up?

His eyes creaked open. The sheet rose and fell with each breath that was taken. But something was wrong, the body was wrong, it wasn’t tall and lanky like Chanyeol. Even the sound of him breathing was wrong. Panic bubbled in his throat. He tried to inhale, but found himself incapable. A tiny squeak came out instead. His whole body tightened. Everything was falling around him. ‘This is wrong.’ Kept repeating in his mind over and over. Each time the phrase ran through his thoughts the tighter his chest felt. ‘Wrong. So wrong. Wrong.” His mind fixated on the word.

“Baekhyun?” Jongin’s voice sounded distant, as if he was underwater.

‘This is wrong. He is wrong. Wrong.’ The phrase was getting louder and more frequent. He could only manage the tiniest of breaths. ‘I can’t move, why can’t I move? Oh God, what did I do?’ Baekhyun stared wide eyed at Jongin, not really seeing him there in front of him. His body felt tense, like all his muscles were flexed but unresponsive. He could not even manage to move his fingers. ‘Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.’

“You’re having a panic attack.” Jongin pulled Baekhyun into his arms. He held him tightly against him, rubbing soothing circles in his back and whispering that everything is going to be okay. Baekhyun remained stiff for a moment before his body began to loosen.

“This is wrong.” Baekhyun whispered. He was trembling, but he felt secure. His breathing was slowly returning to normal.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin asked, he had switched from rubbing circles to gently patting Baekhyun on the back. He kept a steady pattern. Baekhyun matched his breathing to it. Gradually his breathing returned to normal as Jongin’s pats slowed in frequency.

“It’s just wrong.” He repeated. But his eyes were closing. He felt exhausted all of a sudden. “I’m so sorry.”

“Let me get you some water,” Jongin gently laid Baekhyun back down and slipped out the bed.

Baekhyun watched him go with drowsy eyes. Jongin was so nice for helping him. The last time he had a panic attack this bad, he was by himself. He ended up having to call the paramedics to help him calm down. He stared at Jongin when he handed him the glass of water before bringing it to his lips. “T-thank you.”

Jongin sat on the edge of the bed and squeezed Baekhyun’s leg. “Panic attacks can be really scary.”

“Yeah…”

Jongin smiled crookedly. “If you’re ever having one again, feel free to call me.” He gave Baekhyun one last squeeze. “I have to go to work, but if you want, I can cancel today’s classes, to watch over you?”

Baekhyun bit his lip. He couldn’t ask Jongin to do so much for him. He hardly knew the guy. “You don’t have to, I have to go into work in a few hours anyway…” He knew he was forgetting something, but he couldn’t place his finger on it.

“How about we rest until you have to go to work, I know you’re tired.” Jongin gently nudged Baekhyun back until his head hit the pillow. It was a losing battle. His body ached so much from the panic attack. It was always like this though. Every few months he would start to get anxious, then that would snowball into a full-blown panic attack and after it all he would just lay there, drained and tired. Yet, his mind was still buzzing. His thoughts were just out of reach, but close enough to keep him awake.

In the distance, he heard Jongin telling him that he would stop by after work to check on him again.

Baekhyun sighed. His whole body felt rigid. He glanced over at the nightstand and knew that the sleeping pills in there would knock him out for sure. He reached over and opened it. The bottle was nearly empty, save one pill, so he took it even though it was hardly past noon.

His eyes closed and soon he was dreaming.

_He was with Jongin and they had gone for a pleasant walk on the beach. Baekhyun had listened as Jongin told him about his life and interjected every now and then with bits and pieces of his own life. After walking for a while, they sat by the water’s edge and let the waves lap over their feet. Neither said a word, but somehow it was better that way. The sun began to set and the water glittered. He glanced down at his hand and moved it closer to Jongin’s._

_Jongin smiled at him and placed his hand on top of his. Baekhyun felt the heat warm his cheeks. He continued to stare out at the water. The sound of the waves relaxed him. He felt normal._

_Baekhyun was about to say something when Jongin spoke. But, his voice was wrong. When Baekhyun looked over, he was sitting next to Chanyeol. A mixture of pain and relief and guilt filled him. “How?”_

_Chanyeol laughed. “There you go getting lost in your head again.” He nudged Baekhyun._

_Baekhyun stared at him. Deep down he knew this was a dream, but he hoped it was real. “Y-yeah.” He squished the wet sand in his fists._

_They said nothing more to each other and Baekhyun was okay with that. He was just happy to see Chanyeol again. He knew he needed to say something to him about Jongin, but he did not want to hurt Chanyeol. His thoughts troubled him, but Chanyeol seemed not to notice. So, he stayed silent and leaned against him. “I still love you.”_

_Chanyeol hummed. “Me too.”_

_Baekhyun’s nose stung and his throat tightened. He closed his eyes to hide his tears._

 

Baekhyun woke up for the second time, reaching for Chanyeol. But this time he was met with an empty bed. He sighed as usual and slid out of bed. He swayed when his hit the carpet. Baekhyun sighed as he waited for his legs to gain some strength.

He scratched his head and shuffled into the kitchen to make a quick meal.  He opened a cabinet and took out a black mug. He turned to the coffee maker and started it up. He was on autopilot, when he heard a voice behind him.

“I called in for you at work.”

Baekhyun whipped around, heart pounding. In his mind, he had heard Chanyeol’s voice, but when he set his gaze on Jongin, he was filled with mixed emotions. How did he get in his apartment? “W-why?”

“You need a break.” Jongin stated and shrugged. He gently pried the mug from Baekhyun’s hand and placed it on the counter. His eyes were filled with concern.

Baekhyun broke from his frozen state and looked around frantically for his phone. “No! I need the money for rent.” He shoved letters and hospital bills off the counter onto the floor. “I’m barely making enough with the hours I work, I can’t even afford sick days.” The mug fell to the floor and shattered. He stepped on it carelessly. “I can’t do this!” He sank to his knees, staring at the blood on the tile. “I can’t do this anymore.” He kept shaking his head. “All of this, all the stress, all the medical bills – I, I can’t handle it anymore.” Tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt so…defeated.

Jongin knelt beside him. “Then, let me help.” He brushed aside the glass and examined Baekhyun’s foot. “It’s not too deep.”


	2. Part Two

  
[Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Cl8f2oxU9k)

* * *

 

Baekhyun stared at the ceiling. The blades of his fan circled slowly overhead. He watched them, counting backwards from one hundred. _99, 98, 97, 96…_ This was how he had been spending his mornings before work ever since he forgot to visit Chanyeol last week. Part of him blamed himself for getting caught up with his own emotions instead of remembering to visit Chanyeol. And, a smaller part of him blamed Jongin for distracting him.

Baekhyun rolled onto his side and stared at his alarm clock. It was nearly ten in the morning. He had to be to work in an hour but he did not feel like moving. He wanted to cave in on himself and sink into the darkness. He wanted to remain unmoving, like Chanyeol. Frozen in time, perpetually sleeping and unaware of the world. He wished that their roles were reversed. He wished it was him in the coma and not Chanyeol. It was selfish, but sometimes Baekhyun just wanted to cease existing.

The minutes ticked by on his alarm clock. Baekhyun watched the air particles float in the rays of sunlight. He observed as they flipped and twirled and danced. He wished he could be one of those dust specks. Just floating with invisible air currents. Without a single thought or care.

He sighed and slid onto the ground into a sitting position. His hands rested in his lap. He stared at his fingers. The skin was splotchy and his nails were a bit too long. He sighed again and stood up. _May as well get ready for work. Hopefully Jongin won’t show up._ He had been stopping by every day trying to talk to Baekhyun, but Baekhyun had been avoiding him. The small part of him that blamed Jongin for missing his meeting with Chanyeol was still angry at him. Besides, blaming Jongin was easier than accepting the fact that he had forgotten Chanyeol.

Baekhyun walked over to his dresser and pulled the drawers open. The pale wooden bottom was completely visible save for the small ball of fabric pushed into the corner. He only had one clean pair of boxers left. He glanced at the pile of laundry by the door. Tomorrow he’d stop by the laundromat. He quickly dressed himself and stared at himself in the mirror. His hair was disheveled and he had dark circles under his eyes. The nightmares had returned even worse than before. He ran a trembling hand through his hair and turned away.

_Just make it through the day._

The drive to work was quiet. Traffic was not too bad so Baekhyun arrived early. He sat in his car and rested his head against the steering wheel. How could he ever forgive himself for not visiting Chanyeol? He gripped the steering wheel harder. His eyes traveled over the smooth, but dusty surface of his dash. _180,367 miles_. He needed to get an oil change soon. His thoughts went back to Chanyeol. For three years now, he had not missed a single day of visiting him. On the nights he worked late, he went in the morning and the days he worked mornings, he went at night. So why had he completely forgotten last week? Jongin's face came to mind. If only he had not driven him home that night. _He’d be dead._ Baekhyun shook his head.

A knock on his window startled Baekhyun. He looked up to see Jongin standing outside his door and groaned. His hand hovered over the handle. Should he talk to him? He placed his fingers on the plastic handle. Maybe if he rushed inside Jongin would see he was in a rush? His fingers curled around the handle. But then how would he explain why he was sitting in his car for the past ten minutes? He released the handle, hand flopping onto his lap.

Jongin knocked on the window again. Baekhyun trained his gaze on the steering wheel. The gas gauge was getting low. _Knock. Knock. Knock._ Baekhyun pursed his lips. _Knock. Knock._ Baekhyun whipped his head towards Jongin, fixing him with a glare. “Go away.”

_It’s his fault you forgot Chanyeol._

Jongin smiled at him and pulled the door open. He did not hear what Baekhyun told him. “You can’t avoid me forever.”

Baekhyun continued to glare at him. “Go away.” He repeated. _His fault._

Jongin’s smile faltered. “What’s with you lately?” He stepped back out of Baekhyun’s way.

Baekhyun got out of his car and slammed the door. “Nothing.” He walked towards the restaurant doors, but Jongin hurried to block him. Baekhyun looked up into his eyes. He felt his anger waver. Something about those deep brown eyes softened his resolve. He glanced at the ground. A gum wrapper came to a stop against his shoe. “I’ve got to get to work.” _His fault._ He felt his anxiety rise. His neck began to ache. His arm snaked up and he pressed his fingers into the tense muscle.

Jongin remained rooted in front of the door. “Just tell me what I did wrong?”

Baekhyun gawked at Jongin. In the back of his mind, he remembered Chanyeol saying the same thing when they had gotten into their first fight. His nose stung. He looked to the ground again and whispered, “Nothing.” _I can’t blame him. It’s not like he knew what my plans were._

“Then why are you avoiding me?” Jongin pressed. He seemed genuinely worried.

“Because you made me forget to visit Chanyeol.” He muttered. It was just an excuse to save his heart from hurting any more than it had been. A dumb excuse at that. In that moment, he only hated himself more for trying to blame another person. He glanced up at Jongin and studied his face.

Jongin’s shoulders drooped. “Oh.” He lifted his hands in surrender and said, “I’m sorry.” He was grimacing as if Baekhyun had slapped him.

Baekhyun shrugged. “Not your fault.” He pushed past Jongin and walked right to the back room, ignoring his co-worker’s greetings. His throat tightened as he gulped down air to keep his sobs at bay. He closed himself in the walk in cooler and sat down on the cold metal floor. The cold allowed him to focus on something while he tried to push down his emotions.

One tear plopped onto his dark jeans, followed by another. With each one, the tightness in Baekhyun’s chest grew. He hugged his knees close and rested his head on them. How could he have forgotten Chanyeol? He had specifically requested that day off from work to visit him. Instead he spent it sleeping and spending time with someone else.

After Jongin had bandaged up his foot, he had stayed behind to watch some television with Baekhyun. Baekhyun had not asked him too, but Jongin seemed to have a way of inviting himself to stay anyway. It was only when he left that Baekhyun remembered that he was supposed to visit Chanyeol. But one glance at the clock told him that visiting hours were already over. He spent the rest of the night beating himself up over it.

The cooler door opened and the manager stepped in. He was a short, hefty man with a mean face. But somehow his expression softened towards Baekhyun. He hovered by the door, holding it open and gesturing for Baekhyun to come out of the cooler.

Baekhyun looked up at him and wiped his face. He stood up and exhaled. “I’m sorry sir, I just…needed a moment.”

“Bad news?” The manager frowned.

Baekhyun looked back towards the metal floor. He hugged himself for a moment and then dropped his arms. “No, just a long night.” He lied. He took a few steps forward and adjusted his work uniform.

The manager jerked his thumb towards the door. “Take the day off, Baekhyun.” He sounded concerned…and tired.

Baekhyun shook his head. Panic bubbled in his stomach. “I’m fine sir, I can work, really.” He could not afford to lose this job. He was barely scraping by with paying rent. Not to mention all the hospital bills piling up on his counter. He had yet to even open one of them.

His manager shook his head as well. “No. I’ll count it as paid time off. Go on and go home.” He gave Baekhyun a sad smile and wiped his hand down his face.

Baekhyun opened his mouth to protest but his manager cut him off. This time his expression had returned to its usual mean look.

“Go home, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun sighed and nodded his head. As he walked through the cooler door, his manager placed a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder causing him to jump a bit. “Th-thank you, sir.”

Baekhyun bolted out of the employee area and frowned when he saw Jongin sitting at the bar. He kept his head down and tried to rush past him, but Jongin caught him by his car.

“Baekhyun, wait!” He shouted.

Baekhyun hesitated. He looked over his shoulder at Jongin. He flinched when Jongin touched him but said nothing. Jongin’s touch disappeared and Baekhyun turned to face him.

“Look, I’m not trying to force myself into your life, but – I just thought that…” he trailed off. His face was pinched in discomfort.

Baekhyun stared at him. He could see that Jongin was battling with whatever he was going to say. Part of him was curious about what he was going to say, but most of him wanted to hurry and rush to the hospital. He needed to make it up to Chanyeol. He needed to remind Chanyeol that he was his one and only.

“I just thought that…we could…be friends?” Jongin said. He was rubbing his arm anxiously. He looked vulnerable; eyes cast to the ground, causing his lashes to make small half-moons on his cheeks.

Baekhyun continued to gaze at Jongin. He was not sure what to say. He and Jongin had been talking – well Jongin had been talking – for the last six or so months and as much as he was afraid to admit it, Baekhyun enjoyed Jongin’s company. Jongin allowed him to forget the pain he was feeling, if only for a few moments. He turned to face his car and gripped the handle. He looked back at Jongin and said, “Okay, yeah.”

“Really?” Jongin had walked over next to Baekhyun’s car. He was smiling that smile that made Baekhyun's heart skip a beat.

Baekhyun nodded his head and forced a smile. Why was his body so traitorous? He nodded again and squeezed the handle harder. “Yeah.” He had no idea what he was doing.

Jongin's grin grew brighter. “Okay, I’ll see you around then.” He started walking to his car and Baekhyun turned to watch him go.

He turned around and leaned against the door of his car. Beads of sweat collected at the base of his neck as the sun warmed him. He stared out at the parking spot Jongin had left. He was nice and Baekhyun did like him, but if he let him into his heart, would that push Chanyeol out? He shook his head and got inside his car. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel before he started it and drove to the hospital.

 

Chanyeol looked as peaceful as ever. His chest rose and fell with each artificial breath he took. The machines beeped as they pumped the blood through his body. Baekhyun dropped the bag on the floor. His throat was tightening again. His nose stung and his lips were pulling into a frown. He stumbled towards the bed and slumped onto it. “I’m so sorry.”

Baekhyun closed his fingers around his hand and gazed at his face. He thought back to the signed papers on his desk. “I’m not ready to let you go.” He whispered. “I know I should, but I’m…I’m so selfish.” His lips quivered. “I just miss you so much Chanyeol.” He leaned down and kissed his cheek, trying his best to avoid the mask on his face. “I miss everything about you.” He sniffled. “I miss your smile and your eyes and your laugh and your _voice_.” He gulped down air. “I miss you so much.” He squeezed his hand and just looked at him for a while, taking in every detail. The beeping of the machines dulled in the background.

A while later, Baekhyun laid his head on the mattress next to Chanyeol. He had pulled the chair next to the bed. He matched his breathing with the hissing of the ventilator. He reached for Chanyeol’s hand again and stroked it. “Please don’t be mad –.” He paused as his heart thudded in his chest. He traced circles on the back of Chanyeol’s hand. He inhaled deeply. “I’ve made a new friend.” His fingers trembled slightly. “He’s really nice, and you’d like him if you–” He swallowed thickly. “If you had met him. You’d definitely like him.”

The beeping of the machines remained a constant reminder of Chanyeol's state. Baekhyun continued stroking his hand. His lips quirked into a sad smile. “I have a confession though. I get these…butterflies whenever he’s around. And I mean, I feel so guilty because I shouldn’t be having these feelings, but –” Tears slid down Baekhyun face, traveling across the bridge of his nose and cheek towards the crisp white sheets. “You’re _here_.”

Baekhyun climbed onto the bed, carefully avoiding all the tubes and wires. He caressed Chanyeol’s face around the ventilator mask. He pulled it away and pressed his lips on Chanyeol’s. He frowned. Chanyeol’s lips were warm, but they were so chapped and unresponsive. It was nothing like the kisses they shared before. Baekhyun placed the mask back and laid his head on Chanyeol’s chest. “Please come back to me.” He curled his fingers around the fabric of Chanyeol's gown. “Please come back.”

The door opened and Baekhyun shot up. Dr. Wu walked in and moved the chair back to its original position. He sat down in the chair raked his fingers through black hair. He had dark circles under his eyes and stubble on his chin. The hospital must have been giving him extra hours. “Mr. Byun, we need an answer soon or we’re transferring him to hospice.”

Baekhyun nodded and pressed his lips together. “I know.” He breathed carefully, trying not to sniffle. “I signed the papers. Just give me some time to bring them in, okay?”

Dr. Wu stood up. “Okay.” He walked towards the door and then paused.  Baekhyun could see the nurses strolling by outside through the small window in the door. “I know this is hard for you, but you’re making the right choice. Chanyeol's soul should finally be put to rest.” He left the room, his shoes softly clicking against the floor.

Baekhyun stared at the spot he left. _Chanyeol's soul_. The words echoed in his head. Was he really making the right choice? He looked back to Chanyeol. What if Chanyeol was trapped here because Baekhyun could not let him go? The thought made panic rise in his chest. His eyes widened at Chanyeol in mild horror. Was he torturing Chanyeol for his own selfish reasons?

He climbed off the mattress and stood next to the bed, too afraid to touch Chanyeol and too afraid to move. What if Chanyeol’s soul was begging him to let him go? What if his soul was in pain because he had been trapped here for the last three years because Baekhyun could not let him go? Baekhyun’s knees wobbled. He took a step backwards. What if he was the reason that Chanyeol was suffering? He reached for the chair behind him but miscalculated and landed hard on the ground.

He scrambled to his feet and threw everything; the mp3 player and the speaker into his bag. He looked back at Chanyeol once more before slipping out the door. His whole body was quavering. He took a steadying breath and started down the hallway. He was staring at the ground so hard that he did not even realize he had run into someone until he felt hands on his shoulders steadying him.

When he looked up to see who it was he gasped. It was Jongin. He was dressed in a black tank top and some sweatpants. His hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat. His brows were furrowed and his lips were pressed together tightly. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were full of worry.

“What are you –?”

“Are you –?”

Jongin let out a strained laughed. “You first.” He kept looking around the hallway, searching for something.

Baekhyun wet his lips. “What are you doing here?”

“One of my students fell during a throw and – oh!” He squeezed Baekhyun’s shoulder and then rushed forward. “Gotta go.”

Baekhyun, stunned, watched him run after a gurney that was being pushed into the room next to Chanyeol’s. He stood in the middle of the hallway until a nurse lightly guided him to the wall as another gurney was being pushed down the hall. Then he shook his head and adjusted the backpack on his shoulder.

Rain spattered on the hot pavement, leaving dark spots with each landing. Baekhyun looked up at the sky and groaned. His umbrella was in the car. And in the time it took him to deliberate between waiting it out and running to his car, the rain began coming down in sheets. _Perfect._ He turned around and stood under the awning, droplets splashed up from the puddles onto Baekhyun's pants.

Baekhyun glanced around for somewhere to sit. He was not going out to his car in this kind of torrential downpour. Besides with his emotion swirling about inside him, he would have ended up sitting in his car for a while anyway. He sat down on a bench and watched the rain fall. It changed directions several times over the course of an hour. People came and went, some with umbrellas and others used their arms futilely to keep the deluge off them.

By the time the rain started letting up, the sun was coming out. Baekhyun searched the sky for a rainbow but found none. Somehow, that was fitting. He glanced at the time on his phone and shrugged. Normally at this time he would be counting down the hours at work. Or he would be thinking about Chanyeol and when he could see him again, but now? Now he was wondering if he would catch Jongin as he was leaving. That and thinking about Chanyeol right now was too much for him whereas thinking about Jongin was safe.

He hated that he thought that, but they were just friends and Baekhyun figured he could handle that. Maybe. He stood up and brushed his palms on his pants. The fabric around his ankles was quite wet but it only mildly annoyed him. He looked to the door once more and then started across the parking lot to his car.

He climbed inside and closed his eyes for a bit. Now that he was out of the elements, thoughts of Chanyeol snaked to the forefront of his mind. What was he going to do about Chanyeol? The papers were still sitting on his counter, so he could go get them and bring them back. He banged his head on the steering wheel. What was he supposed to do?

He jumped when there was a knock on his window. _Jongin?_ He cursed at the thought and then looked up to see a stranger at his door. He rolled down the window. “Can I help you?”

“Are you leaving?” The person asked.

“Uh, yeah.” Baekhyun answered. His head was starting to hurt.

“Can I have your spot?”

“Sure.” Baekhyun rolled his window back up. He stared forlornly at the hospital doors and sighed. He glanced at the gear shift as he put his car in reverse and then out his rear windshield as he backed out. The drive to his apartment was quiet; both in terms of traffic and in his mind.

 

\--

The bar was quiet this time of year. Blankets of snow covered the ground and holiday lights decorated almost all the buildings in town. The air was cool and crisp as snowflakes swirled down to earth. While most people were spending time with their families and loved ones, a few lonely patrons still came to the bar.

Baekhyun wiped down the counter once more. He was bored but he did not mind that too much. It was better to be bored than miserable and these days, he’d been feeling somewhat happy. He just hated how he kept thinking about his last visit with Chanyeol. It had taken three months after turning in the paperwork for Chanyeol to be moved to hospice care. But just walking into the building filled Baekhyun with dread. Family members and friends of loved ones all had _this look_ about them. As if they were all waiting for the moment the person they loved to die. In a way, they were, but it was that look of defeat that bothered Baekhyun the most.

The only bright side was that he had been able to decorate Chanyeol's room. He had filled it with their pictures and had put a pair of their sheets on the bed. It still had that sterile smell, but just having some of their memories in the room made it easier for him to be there.

He spent about an hour there with Chanyeol after setting up the room. Watching him as his chest rose and fell. He was still on the ventilator, but they had given him a tracheotomy, so his face was uncovered. Baekhyun preferred it this way, because then he could see Chanyeol's face unobstructed.

He had read to Chanyeol that day. It wasn’t anything special, just some thoughts Baekhyun had put on paper the night before, but he wanted to keep Chanyeol updated with his world. He told him that he and Jongin had been spending more and more time together. Not just at work, but outside of it too. He told Chanyeol every detail about him, because that way he didn’t feel guilty.

Plus, Baekhyun liked Jongin. He liked the way Jongin's nose crinkled when he laughed or the way he would sometimes get so caught up in telling Baekhyun about the kids he was teaching that his eyes would twinkle. Baekhyun also liked that Jongin was gentle with him. He liked the way that Jongin was careful to not pressure him into doing anything he was not comfortable with. He liked that they could just sit in the same room not talking, just enjoying being around each other. He liked that Jongin made him feel _normal._

The bell over the door jingled – breaking Baekhyun from his reverie and Jongin walked in carrying a present. A few flakes of snow followed him in. Baekhyun bit his lip to keep from smiling. He felt a pang in his heart when his stomach did flips, but he ignored it. “That for me?” He asked as Jongin slid into the barstool across from him. There was snow melting in his hair and on his coat.

Jongin gave him a wicked smile as he shrugged off the jacket. “Maybe.” He placed the box on the counter and patted it.

Baekhyun grabbed a glass and mixed Jongin's favorite drink. He slid it to him and looked pointedly at the box. “You know I didn’t get you anything.” He busied his hands by drying out a glass with a rag. His heart was beating rapidly. They had only been talking for the last ten months and every moment Baekhyun was with him, he felt a piece of himself being put back together.

Jongin grinned even more. “I know.” He took a sip of his drink and pursed his lips as he swallowed it. “This is pretty strong.” He tapped the glass. “Are you trying to get me drunk?” He raised his eyebrow.

Baekhyun feigned innocence. “Not at all.” He continued drying the glass, smiling softly as he did so. Jongin chased away his darkness and replaced it with light.

Jongin snorted and took another swig. He kept staring at Baekhyun with _that look_. The one that made Baekhyun's heart flutter and knees weak. So Baekhyun made sure he didn’t stare back at him too long.

Another patron came up and sat down a few barstools away. Almost thankful, Baekhyun went to take his order and made his drink. All the while, he was stealing glances at Jongin. They kept meeting eyes, so Jongin must have been doing the same. Baekhyun bit his lip as his cheeks warmed. He felt like he was back in grade school, when he and Chanyeol would steal glances at each other in class.

The thought startled Baekhyun, so he gathered the empty glasses and began rinsing them out while Jongin talked. He liked the way Jongin's voice sounded. It gave him more butterflies in his stomach. Although, lately, it seemed everything Jongin did gave him butterflies. He gripped the glass tighter to keep from dropping it.

“There’s this one student I’ve been teaching, Hoyeon, remember?” Jongin asked.

Baekhyun nodded. Between washing the glasses, he would flick his eyes up at Jongin. He liked how Jongin's face lit up when he talked about his students. The way his lips quirked into an effortless smile and the way he gestured animatedly.

“She’s actually just got into a company.” Jongin sipped his drink again. “I’m really proud of her. I feel like I did something, you know?” He played with the ribbon around the present and continued telling Baekhyun about some of his other students.

Baekhyun hung the glasses up to dry. He watched a few more patrons leave and gathered their glasses as well. Soon it was just Jongin and Baekhyun in the bar. “So…” he began as he washed them. “What’s in the box?”

Jongin dragged his finger around the rim of the glass. He looked up at Baekhyun and smiled. His eyes were a little unfocussed, so Baekhyun knew he was drunk. “It’s a surprise.”

“For who?” Baekhyun pressed. He was flirting a lot tonight and he was not sure why. He hung the last glass to dry and placed both hands on the counter. He leaned in towards Jongin. His heart raced at being this close to him. He pressed his fingertips hard against the glossy wood.

“You.” Jongin smirked. He pushed the box towards Baekhyun, his eyes toying with Baekhyun's. He leaned in as well so that their noses almost touched.

Baekhyun could see the peach fuzz on Jongin's face. His breath hitched and he leaned back. _Chanyeol_. Baekhyun pushed him out of his head and then immediately felt bad for doing so. He bit his lip and unwrapped the box. Inside was a small brown dog plush on a keychain. Baekhyun held it up and examined it. It twirled in a circle.

“I’ve always wanted a dog, but my parents were allergic.” Jongin stated. He watched Baekhyun with eagerness.

Baekhyun pet its tiny head and smiled at Jongin. “It’s really cute.” He searched for his keys behind the bar and put the keychain on it.

“Glad you like it.” Jongin said. He rubbed the back of his neck and Baekhyun was sure if it was not so dim in the bar he would be able to see the redness in Jongin's cheeks.

He stroked the dog plush once more before placing his keys back on the hook behind the bar. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything.” He repeated. He had bought Chanyeol a gift, but did not even think about getting Jongin one. Well, that wasn’t true. He wanted to buy Jongin a gift, but wasn’t sure if it was crossing a line. Especially because of the feelings he was getting when he was around him. He was afraid that Jongin did not feel the same way.

Jongin finished his drink. “It’s okay, Baek. I really wasn’t expecting you to.” He stood up and put on his coat, still smiling to himself. “I should get going though.”

 _Chanyeol called me Baek._ Baekhyun frowned. “Are you okay to drive?”

As if on cue, Jongin stumbled slightly and then chuckled. He wobbled back to the barstool. “I guess not.” He rested his chin in his hands. “You don’t mind taking me home do you?” He looked cute when he was drunk.

Baekhyun shook his head. “No I don’t mind.” He wiped down the counter one more time. “Just let me finish closing down the bar first.” He hummed quietly as he shuffled around the bar pushing in chairs and cleaning the tables.

“You have a really nice voice.” Jongin said.

Baekhyun jerked his head up. He had not realized he had been humming aloud. “Th-thank you.” He could not remember the last time he had been in this good of a mood since the crash. Quietly, in his thoughts, he searched for the broom and began sweeping.

Jongin was still sitting at the bar, but now he had his arms crossed on the counter and was laying his head on them. “Why’d you stop?”

Baekhyun shrugged and kept sweeping. He held the door open with his foot and swept the dirt outside into the slush. When was the last time he had felt this…happy? If he could call this feeling that. Was he happy? Was it okay that he was happy? He looked to where Jongin was sitting and bit his lip.

“It has to do with Chanyeol right?” Jongin sighed. He slid from his chair and walked towards the door. He leaned against the frame and crossed his arms. He did not look upset, just tired. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were still out of focus a bit. Something about his posture awakened something inside of Baekhyun. There was a tingling in his groin.

Baekhyun propped the broom against the glass windows and went back to the bar to grab his keys. He touched the plush dog thoughtfully. He was trying to avoid being too close to Jongin. He was not sure if he could trust himself alone with him now. “Yeah.”

Jongin sighed and then walked over to where Baekhyun was standing behind the bar. Jongin, however seemed determined to be near Baekhyun. “I understand.” He leaned over him, as if he was daring Baekhyun to kiss him.

Baekhyun looked up at him. His eyes flicked to and from both of Jongin's eyes. He was not sure what he was searching for, but he knew he found it his gaze. His breath hitched and he swallowed thickly. His gaze traveled to Jongin's lips.

_What if I just-?_

He didn’t finish the thought because Jongin leaned down and gently pressed his lips against Baekhyun's. He froze for a moment and then he melted. He kissed Jongin back, his hand creeping up his chest towards his hair. He entwined his fingers in Jongin's silky hair. A small gasp left his lips when Jongin pressed him against the bar, hands deftly exploring his body. He practically purred under Jongin's touch. His skin felt aflame where Jongin fingers grazed him.

Baekhyun broke the kiss, chest heaving and eyes wild. “I’m sorry.” _Did that just happen?_ He dashed around Jongin, leaving him stunned against the bar and waited by the door. His lips were tingling, or was it just his imagination? He touched them just to be sure.

“Don’t be.” Jongin said.

 

\--

Baekhyun placed his backpack on the chair. He opened it and pulled out his keys. He fingered the dog plush for a few seconds before walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. He reached for Chanyeol's hand but hesitated. His fingers were just inches away from Chanyeol's.

“I…” he started and then stopped. Could he tell Chanyeol this? He had to, right? “Do you remember me telling you about my friend, Jongin?” his hands were trembling so he squeezed the dog plush to calm them. He stared at Chanyeol's face. He still looked as if he was sleeping. He was a bit on the thin side, but that was the case with coma patients.

Baekhyun gazed at his hands. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Chanyeol when he told him, especially since he blushed every time he thought about it. “We kissed last night.” He looked back up at Chanyeol's face and waited for some kind of sign. The ventilator continued to hiss with each breath. Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol's hand. “I think,” he paused and glanced at the keychain. “I think I really like him.” He leaned down and kissed the soft skin of Chanyeol's hand. “If…if it’s okay with you, I’d like for you to meet him.”

Baekhyun placed Chanyeol's hand down gently on the sheets. He leaned in and kissed Chanyeol on the cheek. “I still love you.” He smiled down at him, “I think there’s room for both of you in my heart.” He grabbed his keys and left. This time, however, he did not look back to Chanyeol, he was too excited to go to work and see Jongin again.

 

\--

The train rattled as it sped into town. He watched the lights blur and for a split second he held his breath. But when Jongin squeezed his hand he turned to him gratefully. “Thanks.” Some things still triggered him. And while he was getting better slowly, he had to be careful.

Jongin bumped his shoulder against Baekhyun's. “No need to be nervous. I’m sure it’ll go fine.”

Baekhyun nodded his head. They had spent the weekend in the next town over – Jongin's treat to help keep Baekhyun's mind off Chanyeol. It worked, they went to see an opera and spent most of their time in some type of quasi-relationship. Not quite dating, but a whisper more than friends. So, when Jongin asked him what his plans were for the weekend, Baekhyun decided it was time for Jongin to meet Chanyeol. He wanted to do things right, so he needed to end things with Chanyeol before he could start anything with Jongin.

The train slowed as they neared the station and Baekhyun's hands began to tremble. He looked up at Jongin and gave him a weak smile. He thought about the letter he had in his pocket. It had been Jongin's suggestion to write a letter to Chanyeol.

Jongin seemed to read his mind and gave Baekhyun's hand another comforting squeeze.

The train stopped and they got off. The hospice was only a few short blocks from the station, so they opted to walk there. The area was crowded as couples swarmed towards the center of downtown to see the fireworks. But, Baekhyun and Jongin were headed in the opposite direction.

It was uncharacteristically quiet on the streets. A few cars drive slowly, trying to avoid the throng of people clustering in the downtown area, but Baekhyun and Jongin, walked at a brisk pace.

When the doors came into view, Baekhyun's heart thudded loudly in his ears. His hand dropped from Jongin's and reached for the letter. He fingered it nervously. Could he really break up with Chanyeol? After all they had dated since the end of high school. Could he throw away a relationship that long?

Baekhyun paused in the lobby. His stomach was twisting in knots. He gave the receptionist an anxious look and then turned to Jongin. “I can’t do this.” He rubbed the corner of the letter between his fingers repeatedly. His mind was racing to find a thought to lock onto. His heart hammered in his chest and his hands trembled.

Jongin cupped his face, blocking his vision on the sides. “It’s okay, I’m here.” He leaned down and pressed their foreheads together. “I’m here.”

Baekhyun's shoulders relaxed. A rush of adrenaline coursed through him still, but he could tell it was fading. He nodded and led Jongin to Chanyeol's room. The door was the same dull gray shade it always was. He reached for the knob and hesitated. Inside this room was the only man he had ever loved, and now he was going to break his heart.

He felt Jongin's comforting hand on the small of his back. He touched the knob and looked back at Jongin, unsure.

“I’ll wait outside until you’re ready.” He walked over to the opposite wall and leaned against it.

 Baekhyun shook his head. He did not want to do this alone. He was tired of being alone. “No, you can come with me.”

Jongin shrugged and followed Baekhyun into the room. Baekhyun wrung his hands as Jongin picked up the pictures and examined them. “These are the same ones you have at you place.”

“Yeah. I figured if I made it look like our room, he’d be more comfortable.” He walked over to Chanyeol and gestured towards him. “This is him.” He stared at Jongin as he looked at Chanyeol, the letter hanging limply in his hand. “What are you thinking?”

Jongin sat down on the edge of the bed and gazed at Chanyeol with an unreadable look. “I can see why you dated him.” He offered. His shoulders were a bit tense and his legs were pressed tightly together, as if he was afraid of touching Chanyeol.

Baekhyun laughed nervously. “Yeah.” He glanced down at the letter and sighed. He sat down on the bed, one leg propped up and the other on the ground keeping his steady. He placed the letter on the bed and grabbed Chanyeol's hand in both of his. He was not going to read it aloud.

“It’s been four years and I’m still here. And, I’m doing okay.” He glanced back at Jongin. “More than okay.” He turned back to Chanyeol, “I hope you’re doing okay, too.”

The ventilator hissed as it pumped oxygen into Chanyeol's lungs. He remained unchanged and unmoved. Forever frozen inside his body. Baekhyun leaned down and kissed his forehead. He stood up and gave Jongin a relieved smile. He felt light, lighter than he ever had in the past three years.

He laced his fingers through Jongin's and followed him out of the room.

\--

Huddled under the staircase of the bar Baekhyun found himself laughing. He and Jongin had sprinted out of the bar a few seconds earlier and his heart was still racing. He lightly hit Jongin's arm and said, “I can’t believe you did that.” He glanced up as the security guard stomped out onto the stairs above them shouting expletives.

Jongin was still panting, hands on his knees. “I got a smile out of you, didn’t I?” He straightened himself and leaned against the wall. His black coat stark against the pale red bricks.

Baekhyun bit his lip. This was not how he expected to spend his New Year’s Eve. Drinking with Jongin's friends and sneaking into the VIP section and then mooning everyone below them was not at all how he expected to spend this holiday. Yet, Jongin had a way of always doing the unexpected. “Yeah.”

Jongin grabbed Baekhyun by the wrists and pulled him close. “Come here.” He also looked up as the door closed overhead. Jongin hugged Baekhyun close, little puffs of steam leaving his mouth as he laughed.

Even from their vantage point, they could hear the club goers counting down the time. Baekhyun smiled up at Jongin. He blatantly admired Jongin's jawline. He was a bit tipsy, but that only gave him the confidence to do what he did next.

3…

2…

1…

Baekhyun kissed Jongin. He did not feel any guilt, nor worry, nor anxiety. All he could feel was the softness of Jongin's full lips against his own. Goosebumps formed on his skin as Jongin's hands explored his body. He pulled him tighter against him, encircling his arms around him. He tangled his fingers in Jongin’s hair and moaned. The chocolatey strands were so soft and fine. He shuddered as Jongin trailed kisses down his neck.

In the background the club roared in celebration of the new year. But all Baekhyun could feel was the way Jongin held him; the way he kissed him. Jongin's kisses God’s gift to Baekhyun. They cleared his mind, calmed his nerves, and cleansed his soul. Jongin's kisses were Baekhyun's salvation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies~ I hope you all enjoyed this. There's only one part left and that one is gonna be a doozy. Feel free to leave a comment. Oh and this whole part was very largely inspired by the song I linked above.
> 
> Until next time~


	3. Part Three

[Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/12182903693/playlist/2nB2i4O3i2OrhHaXMmhtJ1)

 

Snow crunched under Baekhyun's feet as he closed the bar for the night. He hopped from foot to foot trying to keep warm as a biting gust of wind pierced his gray wool sweater. It was nearly Spring, it should have been warming up by now, yet new snow was piling up on the ground. As such, Baekhyun’s teeth chattered while he fumbled the key with numb fingers.

_Goddamnit._

The keys dropped from his hands into the murky slush by his boots. He tilted his head back to the sky and sighed, his breath swirling upwards. Then, he bent to pick them up and froze. In the reflection on the door was Chanyeol's apparition. He was nearly transparent and was wearing the same clothes he had on the day of the crash; except the colors were washed out. His hair was neatly styled the way it had been and his eyes held sadness so deep, drowning Baekhyun in them.

Pain struck Baekhyun deep in his chest and radiated out to his limbs. He gasped, lungs fully decompressing until they ached. Tears prickled his eyes, making them sting despite his efforts to blink them away. He sucked in a breath through his chattering teeth. Even in this state, seeing Chanyeol was a miracle. Baekhyun raised his hand to the glass. His whole body shook violently from both the cold and from the sight before his eyes. Chanyeol mirrored his gesture, tilting his head to the side and smiling sadly.

Baekhyun drove his teeth into his bottom lip, preventing himself from crying out. He blindly felt for his keys and closed his icy fingers around the soaked dog plush. He gradually rose to his feet, eyes never leaving Chanyeol's spectral form. “Chanyeol.” He whispered, voice quivering. His hot breath clouded the glass, marring Chanyeol's torso. Baekhyun wiped it with the sleeve of his sweater. Each swipe erased Chanyeol from the glass door.

Baekhyun's hair swayed as he whipped around. His eyes searched the scene before him. Nothing was out of place. Mounds of slush, now peppered with fresh snow were gathered randomly on the pavement. His lone car sat in his parking space, occupied by a patient Jongin. A few late-night cars sped by on the road heading towards the collection of city lights that marked downtown. Snowflakes fluttered to the ground, masking the warbled pavement of the parking lot. Baekhyun bit his lip.

He turned back to the door, hoping to find Chanyeol's specter. The blackness of the dark bar gaped back at him through the glass. Chairs stacked on tables looked like wooden teeth, grinning menacingly. Baekhyun's hair stood on end. He raised his key to the door and jabbed blindly, his gaze captured by the bar, desperately searching for that familiar tall form.

Metal mechanisms clanked and the door was locked. Baekhyun spun on his heel, wrapping his arms around his middle, as if it would keep the chill from seeping into his bones. He walked on wobbly legs to his car, chewing his chapped lip in thought.

_What the hell was that?_

He opened the door and sat down on the cool leather seat, grateful to be out of the biting cold. He looked to Jongin and frowned. Things between them were going so well. Well enough that Baekhyun freely admitted to himself that he was really falling for tanned dance instructor. Yet, there was a Chanyeol size hole in his heart that Jongin would never be able to fit.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin asked and placed a warm hand on Baekhyun's nearly frozen ones. “Your lip is bleeding.”

Baekhyun winced as the bitter flavor of blood spread over his tongue. He’d been chewing his lip quite hard. What was that earlier? He studied Jongin's face, drinking in all his details. The slope of his nose, the peaks and valleys of his lips, the softness of his eyes. All things that Baekhyun was growing quite fond of, yet in those details he could see what was missing. Baekhyun quickly thought of an excuse. He tapped his keys in the ignition, “He’s ruined.”

Jongin stared at Baekhyun and then frowned, suspicious. He reached for the plush dog and gave it a squeeze. Icy water leaked out onto Baekhyun's leg, leaving dark spots on his black jeans. “We’ll leave him by the AC to dry.” His hand dropped to Baekhyun’s thigh and rested there.

Baekhyun focused on the warmth of his hand, it cleared his mind. “I’m going to drop you off and then head to the hospice.” His eyes flicked over to where he had seen Chanyeol's form standing.

“I’ll go with you.” Jongin offered and squeezed Baekhyun's thigh.

Baekhyun gripped the steering wheel. Dread was filling his stomach, twisting it into knots. He continued to stare at the spot, shoulders growing tenser by the second. He tore his gaze from the snow and looked at Jongin. His concerned expression gave him respite. If anything were to happen tonight, he would need him by his side.

 

The smell of the hospice gave the tangles of dread new life. They writhed in his stomach like snakes, twisting and sliding over themselves. The lobby seemed to stretch before him as he walked, knees buckling. As he reached the front desk, sharp music pierced his eardrums. Baekhyun felt for his phone in his pocket and squinted at the caller ID. Icy tendrils of anxiety closed around Baekhyun's throat. He raised the phone to his ear, hand trembling.

“H-hello?”

“Is this mister Byun?” The voice echoed from down the hall.

Baekhyun swallowed thickly, his tongue feeling as if he spent the afternoon licking cotton. His heart thumped in his chest. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry for calling at such a late hour.” The voice said in a rush. “Mr. Park has taken a turn for the worst –”

Baekhyun phone clattered to the ground, glass screen shattering. Sweat beaded on the back of his neck and face. The room was both too hot and too cold. He glanced to Jongin, wide-eyed. Tremors started in his hands and took over his whole body until he crumpled.

“Hello? Mr. Byun?” The voice was distorted. He kicked it across the floor, cursing it.

Pain gripped his heart in a vice, squeezing tighter with each beat. His lungs were on fire, screaming for air but Baekhyun could not move. He was aware that Jongin had caught him before he hit the ground, but everything was numbed. He stared at the fake wood paneling on the front desk, not comprehending anything being said around him. His ears were ringing.

Air forced its way down Baekhyun's throat as his brain kicked into survival mode. He gasped, gulping down the precious oxygen in to his burning lungs. He looked up at Jongin and felt the dam break. Tears rushed out his tear ducts with the force of a waterfall. He sucked in another breath before letting out a warbled groan. He did not even know humans could make such a sound.

Jongin held him tight, rocking him slowly on the cold linoleum floor. Baekhyun sobbed, ugly loud wails leaving his mouth. He let Jongin pull him to his feet and lead him to Chanyeol's room. He tripped over his feet the whole way until Jongin half-carried him through the door.

The sight of Chanyeol on the bed, sweating and breathing shallow, broke open another blockade of emotions. He crawled to the bed, gripping the sheets to pull himself onto the bed. His fingers curled into the thin fabric of Chanyeol's gown as he wept with no abandon. Pressure built in the front of his face as the tears rolled down his face, falling onto Chanyeol's barely rising chest, drenching it.

In the background, Jongin spoke with the nurses, urging them to leave Baekhyun alone for the time being.

Trembling hands, cradled the pallid face. Baekhyun leaned to kiss him gently, tasting salt as he did so.  He smoothed the drenched hair and placed a light kiss on his forehead. His nose was stuffed, so he breathed through his mouth as he laid down next to Chanyeol for a while.

There were no more tears left in Baekhyun's body, but that did not stop the sobs from shaking his breath. He trailed a finger down Chanyeol's chest, not feeling any movement. He sat up, heart racing, and chest heaving. He placed his palm on Chanyeol's torso and waited, holding his breath. It was still.

Baekhyun let Jongin pull him from the bed and watched as the nurses felt for a pulse. Their voices were unintelligible as they spoke to each other and scribbled on a clipboard. One of them touched Baekhyun's shoulder as she passed by, her eyebrows creased and lips in a sorrowful frown.

Baekhyun turned into Jongin's chest and knotted his fingers in his shirt.

\--

**One week later…**

On the day of the funeral, it sleeted. Thick sheets of ice fell from the sky, mimicking Baekhyun’s mood. Chanyeol's parents stood huddled under a large black umbrella clutching onto each other.  Their tear streamed faces were red and swollen. The slush at their feet sloshed when they walked over to where Baekhyun stood, getting drenched by the ice that fell from angry clouds.

He wiped his tears on the back of his hand and greeted the elderly couple with a bow. It had been a while since he spoke to them, so when they pulled him into a hug, Baekhyun shoulders shook with his silent sobs. He grasped onto their frail bodies, holding on tightly. His chest burned from his gasping. The umbrella tumbled from Mr. Park’s hands as he grabbed a hold of the back of Baekhyun's neck, pulling him even closer.

Icy water snaked its way down Baekhyun's scalp and neck. Lavender filled his nose as Mrs. Park clung to him, dragging his head into her thick downy coat. The sky thundered overhead and the winds picked up. Baekhyun's skin stung.

It was the absence of new sleet hitting Baekhyun's head that made him look up to find Jongin holding the umbrella. Baekhyun pulled him into the small huddle, gripping the lapel of his jacket. The solid figure of Jongin gave him the strength to plant a kiss on either side of Chanyeol's parent’s cheeks. He remained there in everyone’s arms, willing himself to turn to face the truth.

The sleet slowed until only a few cold and pregnant raindrops fell around them.

Slowly, numbly, he pulled free of the Parks’ arms. He turned, sucking in a deep breath to steady himself. With red-rimmed eyes, Baekhyun stared at the white surface of the urn, spattered with gray sleet. His coat fluttered against his legs in the wind. He reached for it, holding it with cold, slick fingers. He removed the top and tilted the urn. The gray, dusty remains swirled into the wind like a low flying cloud. Baekhyun dropped the urn; his eyes stung.

He wet his lips and sucked in a breath with aching lungs. “Goodbye, Chanyeol.”

\--

_Flashing red and blue lights danced in and out of Baekhyun's peripheral. He felt sluggish, like his mind was trying to catch up to this moment in time. Pain shot through his right arm as he righted himself, crunching glass beneath him. His vision swam before him, swaying with every beat of his heart._

_Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of something pale. He tried to look at it, but his vision kept clouding over every time he looked directly at it. He blinked several times, trying to clear the fog, but it only grew thicker._

_Then everything reversed._

_The car started rolling back up the hill, tumbling Baekhyun around inside. His head bounced off the roof and the windows and the seats until he was thrown back into the passenger seat. The front of the car bounced off the tree and fishtailed back onto the road._

_The seatbelt was in his hands in an instant and then he slowly replaced it back to its resting place. His head turned gradually until he locked eyes with Chanyeol who was screaming with his arm stretched out to hold Baekhyun against the seat._

_Chanyeol's arm moved back to the steering wheel and the scenery outside the windows swerved until it was righted again. The glare of the sun shifted until it blocked by Baekhyun's sunglasses that slid back onto his face. Everything was a blur._

_Time reset itself._

_Chanyeol laughed and reached to change the radio station. Distorted music flowed from the speakers. “What’s wrong with polka music?” His hand fumbled with the buttons, not quite pressing the right one._

_“I’ll do it.” Baekhyun said as he swatted Chanyeol's hand away. He leaned forward, popping a bubble in his gum. He fiddled with the buttons until the station landed on a random pop song. “Much better.”_

_Chanyeol glanced at him, eyes crinkling as he smiled._

_“Eyes on the road, doofus.” Baekhyun said._

_“I love you too.” Chanyeol replied and turned to face the road. “And put your seatbelt on.”_

_The car jerked as Chanyeol slammed on the brakes, causing Baekhyun's sunglasses to fly off. He reached for the seatbelt with frantic hands and the world around him spun. Chanyeol's arm slammed him against the seat._

“No!” He screamed, chest heaving, sweat drenching his thin t-shirt. Baekhyun whipped around, staring into the darkness, gasping for air. He patted his head, neck, chest, and then legs, trying to get his bearings. He shivered.

Strong arms encircled him, followed by soft shushing sounds. “It’s just a bad dream, Baek.” Jongin murmured, voice thick with sleep.

It was the third one he had this week. Baekhyun dug his nails into Jongin's warm skin, trying to calm himself. He was in his bed, safe. The crash had happened and Chanyeol was already gone. _Chanyeol was gone._ Baekhyun hiccupped. His eyes smarted and his nose stung. He could not erase the dream from his eyes.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” Jongin cooed, rubbing circles into Baekhyun's back. “I’m here.”

\--

**Six months later…**

“You should leave that one out.” Jongin's voice casually floated over the sound of the television.

Baekhyun hesitated, photograph of him and Chanyeol in his hand. The glossy wooden frame was smooth against the pads of Baekhyun's long fingers. He rubbed his thumb over it absentmindedly. They were holding little fake mustaches under their noses. It had been Baekhyun’s idea to use them. His lips quirked into a sad smile.

It had been the night of their second anniversary. Baekhyun had bought a new curling iron that he wanted to try out. He burned his fingers quite a few times while getting used to the new hair instrument.

Tongue out in concentration, Baekhyun carefully wrapped a lock of hair around the heated metal barrel. He paused, counting silently in his head to fifteen. The harsh smell of burning hair made him released the mechanism and lower the curling iron. The copper colored curl bounced when he stretched it. Baekhyun smiled at his reflection.

“Are you almost ready? We’re going to be late.” Chanyeol's dark hair head popped in from the doorway. His blue collar was flipped up and unbuttoned. His cologne was spicy and faint, mixing in with his natural scent.

Baekhyun released another shiny coil from the curling iron and placed it on the counter. He ran his fingers through the curls and turned to face Chanyeol, a wide smile on his face. “You like?” He bounced lightly on his toes waiting for an answer.

Chanyeol buttoned his shirt and flipped the collar down. He tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips in thought, then he grinned. “I love it.” He leaned down and kissed Baekhyun lightly on the lips. “Let’s get going.”

Baekhyun turned back to the mirror and fluffed the curls once more. He set them with some extra strength hair spray and then smoothed his hands over his shirt. His contrasted with Chanyeol’s baby blue polo. The rich brown color made the copper in his hair tone shine even more. He sighed happily and grabbed the small plastic mustaches off the counter and slipped them in his pocket.

A tear dropped onto the glass protecting the photo. Baekhyun sniffled softly and set the photo on the small table between photos of him and Jongin. It brought a bittersweet feeling into his heart. He stared at the photos for a while, until the television clicked off and Jongin joined him.

Soft lips kissed the back of his neck. Baekhyun rotated to capture Jongin’s mouth with his own. “Thank you for understanding.”

Jongin used the pad of his thumb to wipe away a stray tear. “What kind of boyfriend would I be to make you pack away all your memories of him?”

Baekhyun rubbed his nose against Jongin's. He did not say anything, he did not need to. Thin fingers twirled into smooth chocolate locks and warm breaths mingled. He gazed into soft brown eyes. Baekhyun pressed his lips against Jongin's, once again getting lost in his kiss.

\--

 

Baekhyun watched Jongin dance from his spot by the door. The way his body flowed and moved with the music was breathtaking. His arms making graceful arcs and legs sliding into perfect splits. His hooded eyes and parted lips as he spun on the balls of his feet, enraptured Baekhyun. Jongin’s back arched as he threw back his head.

Baekhyun's breath hitched as Jongin's body melted in time with the song. His movements were fluid like new silk running through soft fingers. His expressions were free of all worldly worries and yet filled with raw passion. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Jongin dancing, but it was the first time he saw him completely lose himself in the music.

When the music ended, Jongin kept going, dancing to an imaginary song in his head, until he ended up right in front of Baekhyun. His hair was plastered to his forehead in small spikes. Drops of sweat rolled down his neck, collecting in the dark spots on Jongin's tank top. “Hey Baek, what brings you here?”

_I love him._ The thought blared loudly in Baekhyun’s mind. He buried his face in Jongin’s sweaty chest. “I love you.”

Jongin set him at arm’s distance so he could study his face; a tiny smile playing at his lips. “It’s about time.” He pulled him back in and inhaled deeply into Baekhyun's hair. “I love you too.”

Baekhyun’s breath caught in his throat and he nodded. “I know.” It had been something he had been mulling over for the past month and a half. His mind flip flopping between thinking his feelings were appropriate this far into the relationship or not. He knew when he was in love with Chanyeol, that had been easy, like breathing, he did not even have to think about it. But love was like riding a bike, his heart would never forget what it was like to fall for the first time, so when those flutters and swells came knocking, Baekhyun was sure. He loved Jongin.

He looked up at him and smiled. He was about to say something, but Jongin's mouth cover his, lips moving gently over each other. His hands gripped the tank top as the kiss deepened. He sighed against the plush, soft lips and shuddered when they traveled down the side of his neck, raising the tiny hairs and leaving a path of goose bumps. Baekhyun gnawed on his lip to stop himself from giggling. He pulled away, dazed, and smiling. “I guess I deserved that.”

Jongin pressed him against the wall and growled. “You deserve much more than that.” He playfully kissed Baekhyun’s lips several times before whispering, “Much, much more.” He caressed Baekhyun’s cheek and stepped back leaving Baekhyun wanting more.

He watched Jongin pickup his bag and followed him out the door soundlessly. They reached the car and rode in silence – with a few loving gazes here and there – while Baekhyun was lost in thought. It had taken him a long time to move past Chanyeol’s death, but Jongin had been there the whole time. Slowly weaving his threads into the patchwork pieces of Baekhyun's heart.

For reasons Baekhyun could never really figure out, Jongin had chosen him. It hardly made any sense to him, but it seemed that Baekhyun had a track record of attracting people much better than he believed he deserved. He glanced over at Jongin and felt his heart do that little flutter.  He sighed, exhaling as his lips pulled into a smile.

They entered Jongin’s apartment – which had become Baekhyun’s shortly after Chanyeol’s funeral – and the second Jongin’s bag hit the floor, his hands were all over Baekhyun, leaving hot trails where he touched him. Jongin’s thumb grazed Baekhyun’s nipple as he yanked his shirt off. He crashed his lips onto Baekhyun's and kissed him with a wild fervor.

Baekhyun stumbled, mouth still attached to Jongin’s and grabbed onto him hard to keep from falling. They teetered as Jongin tripped over his own feet, teeth knocking. Baekhyun wound his fingers through Jongin’s hair and marveled at how soft the strands were. He pulled them, eliciting a moan from Jongin. He shivered. Jongin's moans set his body alight. They nearly fell onto the bathroom floor.

Jongin ripped off Baekhyun’s belt with one hand and turned the shower on with the other. He cupped Baekhyun’s crotch and massaged him through his jeans. He kept placing soft kisses all over his face and touching every inch of skin that he could. He climbed into the shower, still fully dressed and pressed Baekhyun against the wall. Everything about him was tentative, as if he was afraid that Baekhyun would stop him.

Baekhyun’s nimble fingers slid the soaked tank top over Jongin’s head. It landed with a wet plop on the ground and his pants followed soon after. The steam from the hot water rose to the ceiling, partially obscuring Jongin's sculpted body. He sunk to his knees to pleasure Jongin, but was pulled back up.

“Let me.” Jongin said between kisses. He licked the droplets of water off Baekhyun as he lowered himself to his knees. He struggled a bit with removing Baekhyun’s drenched jeans and tossed them out of the shower. He bit down softly on Baekhyun’s milky thighs, digging his fingers in and enjoying the view of Baekhyun’s lids slowly closing. He watched Baekhyun's cock grow hard and took it firmly in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the leaking tip.

The warmth of Jongin’s mouth was almost enough to make Baekhyun climax instantly. It was hot, wet, and soft. He shuddered as Jongin's expert tongue flattened as he took in his full length. His eyes rolled back in his head when Jongin's slowly released him only to give him long languid swipes of his tongue up and down his shaft.

Baekhyun's legs quivered and he twisted his fingers into Jongin's hair, pulling his perfect lips back onto his cock. Tingles ran down his spine, curling his toes, and forcing him to moan deeply in his chest as Jongin engulfed his all over again.

Baekhyun glanced down to lock eyes with Jongin, who smiled around his length, causing him to gag a little. Jongin pulled back, a trail of saliva connecting his bottom lip to Baekhyun's glistening head. Baekhyun bit his lip and whined. He ran a finger down the side of Jongin's face, along his jaw and then up to his lips.

Jongin pulled Baekhyun's finger into his mouth and sucked hard. His eyes crinkling at the sides as he moaned around his slender digit. He released Baekhyun's hand and peppered kisses on Baekhyun's thick thigs before returning to the twitching cock. He tongued the tip, playfully, making Baekhyun whine again. Baekhyun shifted against the wall, his throbbing member brushing across Jongin's lips as he moved. He wound his fingers into his hair once more. “Please.”

Jongin obliged and opened his mouth wide to take Baekhyun back into his mouth. He looked up at Baekhyun with wide, brown eyes as he swallowed around Baekhyun's shaft. Baekhyun gripped Jongin’s hair tighter and arched his back making Jongin take him all the way.

Jongin bobbed his head, cheeks hollowing and lips tightening around Baekhyun’s cock. His eyes were filled with love and adoration. He hummed, sending vibrations down Baekhyun’s length and continued with more fervor when Baekhyun whimpered. He tongued a stripe up the bottom of Baekhyun’s dick and massaged the ridge where the head met the shaft. His hands took care of the rest of Baekhyun's length while he focused on that small sweet spot.

Pressure built up low in Baekhyun's groin. He screwed his eyes shut, breath coming out in small short bursts as he neared his climax. His body flushed as his cock tensed, overwhelmed from the sensation of Jongin's tongue.

His hands slammed onto the slick shower wall and his hips bucked, but Jongin held him in place as his flicked the tip of his tongue against that spot. Baekhyun felt like he was going to explode. Then, warm cum was spurted out in ropes all over Jongin's face. Baekhyun’s whole body trembled, exhausted from the release.

Baekhyun slid down the wall to a sitting position. His legs felt like jelly and his chest was heaving. He looked at Jongin, who was still kneeling and washing his seed off his face and sighed, fully sated. He reached over and pulled him into a kiss. When they parted, he exhaled again. “Wow.” He had meant to think it, but it came out before he could stop himself. He stood on wobbly legs and Jongin followed, running his fingers through drenched hair.

“That’s only the beginning.” Jongin said. He bent his face towards Baekhyun's as he looked up, water splashing on his face from the showerhead. “Let me take care of you tonight.”

 

The bed creaked as Baekhyun's naked back collided with the cotton sheets. His arm circled around Jongin's neck, pulling him with him. Their lips met, warm and insistent. His hands roamed the taut muscles of Jongin's chest, nails raking downward and around until he gripped both of Jongin's ass cheeks.

Jongin grinded his hips into Baekhyun, sliding his slick erection against Baekhyun's, eliciting a throaty moan between their swollen lips. He smiled, exhaling through his nose and bit Baekhyun's bottom lip. Baekhyun held Jongin against him tighter, thirsting for the pressure of his body on his own. He wanted to be so close to Jongin that they melted together.

Baekhyun's breath came out in small huffs. His eyelids fluttered as Jongin nipped a trail down his neck, stopping only when he reached the base and then sucking. A groan erupted from his mouth and he arched into Jongin as he tangled his slender fingers into the silky strands of hair.

Hot lips moved up his neck, to his jaw, then his chin and finally capturing his own between theirs. Their tongue rolled lazily over one another’s tasting and feeling. Jongin's hand snaked between their bodies to Baekhyun's balls. He massaged them adeptly, causing Baekhyun to mewl at his touch.

Baekhyun reached up and pulled Jongin's mouth back to his. He panted in between kisses, wriggling his hips. He gasped, pressing his head into the mattress and bending his back until his chest was flush against Jongin's.

Cold rushed against Baekhyun's skin when Jongin moved to grab a bottle of lubricant from the nightstand drawer. Baekhyun watched him, still deep in the haze of arousal. He sucked air through his teeth when the cool liquid touched his skin as Jongin poured it over his fingers.

“Tell me if it hurts.” Jongin said. He tossed the bottle across the bed and positioned himself between Baekhyun's legs once more.

Baekhyun hummed as Jongin teased his asshole. His cock twitched against his stomach so he brought his hand to it, closing around his length. A finger slipped in. Baekhyun hissed at the momentary stinging, tensing his thighs involuntarily.

“Sorry.” Jongin stopped moving his hand.

“No, no. It’s good.” Baekhyun said and lifted his hips so Jongin could have a better angle. “Just been a while.” He stroked himself slowly.

“Okay.” Jongin resumed sliding his finger in and out of Baekhyun, spinning it and gently stretching his hole.

Baekhyun shuddered, his breath coming out in bursts. His hand moved faster as Jongin worked him open. Another digit slipped in. Baekhyun whimpered, hands flying to his sides to gather the sheets in his fists. He gasped again. It stung for a second before pleasure took over, shaking his body.

Jongin scissored his slick fingers, making Baekhyun root his hips downward, forcing his fingers deeper inside. When they struck that ball of nerves, Baekhyun's teeth clamped down on his lip. He groaned, neck straining as he arched off the mattress again.

His muscles relaxed, returning him back to his previous state: back against the sheets, legs wide open, and hands balled in the blankets. He sighed. Jongin's fingers slid out and he shifted until his hard cock was positioned at Baekhyun's entrance.

Baekhyun's eyes closed. He inhaled, holding his breath as Jongin pressed the head of his dick against his asshole. The bed creaked and more cool lubricant splashed on Baekhyun's skin and Jongin coated his cock with it, his hands glistening as he spread it. He rubbed more on Baekhyun's hole and then wiped the excess on the sheets.

Red, followed by white light flashed against the back of Baekhyun's eyelids as Jongin entered him. His legs snapped up to Jongin's sides squeezing him, urging him to go slower. Jongin paused and Baekhyun's legs loosened. He sucked in air and let it out in a low moan as Jongin moved to slide the rest of the way inside him.

Jongin's hot breath danced on his cheek as he leaned down on top of him. Baekhyun opened his eyes and gazed into Jongin's. He wet his lips and then lifted his head to close the distance between them. He sucked lightly on Jongin's lip and he slowly started undulating his hips, pushing deep into Baekhyun and then sliding out until only the head of his cock remained inside over and over.

Baekhyun wrapped his legs around Jongin, hooking his feet together, forcing Jongin deeper. His own cock pressed between their sweating bodies. Their moans danced into the night with each thrust, lips locked and tongues eagerly rolling over each other. Baekhyun held Jongin close, wanting and needing the weight of Jongin on him.

Baekhyun's world came alight. He panted, his voice gone hoarse from his cries of ecstasy. His thighs trembled around Jongin's waist as his speed increased. He felt Jongin lift and grip his hips roughly as he plowed into him. His eyes were screwed shut, chest covered in a sheen of their mixed perspiration. Baekhyun watched Jongin's cock disappear into him again and again.

His ass slammed into Jongin's hips, making the most delicious sound. His legs quivered as the pooling sensation began. A string of precum connected his dick to his stomach each time it lifted from Jongin's rough thrusting. Baekhyun curled his toes, his body tensed and he inhaled deeply, holding his breath. The pressure in his cock built.

Jongin's moans grew deeper until they became sparse grunts. He pressed his thumbs hard into Baekhyun's hips, bruising the pale skin as he drove into him. His eyes were open now and Baekhyun caught his gaze. A billion emotions passed between them, swelling Baekhyun's heart and springing tears to his eyes. He blinked them back but they ran down the sides of his face into his hair.

Baekhyun's cock pulsed as it slapped against his stomach. He tightened around Jongin, body tensing even more. Air forced its way through his teeth as he exhaled. The pressure was unbearable. One more thrust and a stream of cum shot from his dick, painting his chest with his orgasm. He shuddered around Jongin's length, legs jerking and hips spasming. He whispered Jongin's name as he came down, muscles relaxing and his heart racing.

Jongin's hips lurched sporadically, climaxing, filling Baekhyun. He leaned down and brushed his lips against Baekhyun's. “I love you.” His breathing labored and eyes glazed over, he pressed his forehead against Baekhyun’s. He leaned back up and slid out of Baekhyun. Hot cum leaked out, running onto the sheets.

Baekhyun laid there, breathing while Jongin wiped him off with a dirty shirt. The bed dipped beside him as Jongin flopped next to him. He rolled over, facing his new love and smiled. “I love you too.” Jongin hummed quietly, eyes darting as he examined Baekhyun's face, causing the latter to smile even bigger. “What?”

Jongin smoothed Baekhyun's sweat drenched hair off his forehead and placed his lips there. “You’re amazing.”

They lay there, on top of the sheets, naked, bodies loose and relaxed. And everything was perfect. The fan spun languidly overhead as the last remaining rays of sunlight dimmed out of existence. Gradually, the ribbitting of frogs filled the night air. But in that room, nothing disturbed them. Just the sounds of their beating hearts and soft whispers passed between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /Huge sigh/ It is done. This fic was written with lots of blood, sweat and tears. I started this back when I was going through a break up with my ex, using my writing as an outlet for my emotions, but then my grandfather fell into a coma and suddenly this fic took on that monster of raw emotion. It became too much, so I put the fic on hold until I was ready to revisit all those feelings in a healthier way. I scrapped large parts of it, rewriting and changing the narrative several times until I ended up with this.. I hope you all enjoyed this very personal journey of mine that I turned into fic. As always, I love all of you<3
> 
> Until next time~
> 
> P.S. If anyone is interested, I will post the alternate scenes.


	4. Random Deleted Scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are the deleted scenes that i promised eons ago~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These prob won't make too much sense, but they're the alternate scenes I had written forever ago. Happy reading~

_Chanyeol was still lying in the bed. He was aware that he was in a hospital bed and that something was wrong because he couldn’t feel his body. He also knew because almost every day Baekhyun would ask him to wake up. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t._

_It hurt so much hearing the tears in Baekhyun’s voice when he talked to him and knowing that he can’t move to comfort him. He was so close to him and yet so far. He wanted nothing more than to be able to hold Baekhyun and tell him that he was still here and that everything would be okay, but each day seemed like it was harder and harder to stay._

_He would try to move, just a finger or even a toe, but nothing worked. When the doctors declared him brain dead, he screamed internally saying that he could hear them. He tried so hard to do something and that was when he heard one of the nurses say there was a spike in brain activity. The doctor had made a nondescript sound and then said that they would monitor him for a while longer._

_Chanyeol had breathed a sigh of relief and went back to waiting for Baekhyun to visit. That night he heard Baekhyun cry harder than ever before. He was helpless and hated himself for not being able to wake up no matter how hard he tried._

_For a little over a year, Chanyeol had grown accustomed to Baekhyun’s visits, so when he missed one, Chanyeol was concerned. He heard the nurses talk about how strange it was for him to not show up. When one brought up that perhaps Baekhyun was moving on, it stung._

_He wanted Baekhyun to wait for him, but he knew he was being selfish. So he decided that the next time Baekhyun visited, he would find some way to tell him goodbye._

 

 --

 

 

Jongin rolled over and threw his arm around Baekhyun, causing him to awaken fully. The sunlight poured in over the comforter and in seconds Baekhyun was on his feet. “I forgot to visit Chanyeol!”

“W-what?” Jongin yawned.

“You made me forget Chanyeol. Is this your plan or something? To take me away from him and–” Baekhyun sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. “I forgot Chanyeol…” he whispered. How could he have done such a thing? How could he have forgotten his first love? _How could he?_

Jongin stretched and yawned again. “It’s my fault, but I planned it.”

Baekhyun whipped around. “Why?” His eyes were narrowed and his voice was icy.

“Because you actually have been happy these past few months. You’re allowed to be happy you know that?” Jongin threw his legs over the edge of the bed and stood. “You’re allowed to move on, Baek.”

The words echoed in his head and Baekhyun found himself crying. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to move on.” His words came out choked and he sniffled. His nose was running and his streams of tears poured down his cheeks. “He’s not gone yet.”

Jongin stood awkwardly for a few second before pulling Baekhyun into a hug. “I’m sorry.” He said nothing more and just held him there.

 

\-- 

 

_“He’s flat-lining!”_

_Chanyeol watched the scene below as it unfolded. He watched as Baekhyun began yelling and trying to hold onto his body. His heart tore in two as he knew he could do nothing. The doctors scrambled below trying to resuscitate him, but Chanyeol had already decided that it was time._

_He desperately wanted to tell Baekhyun goodbye, but he knew this was the only way he could. Baekhyun was pulled back by a tanned man and held in his arms. He was the only one that Baekhyun did not fight back, so Chanyeol assumed that this was the person that was helping Baekhyun move on._

_“Please, take care of him.” He said and the scene became distant, fading to whiteness._

_He was gone._

 

“No…” Baekhyun cried. “Why now? Why couldn’t you fight just a bit longer?” Baekhyun was lying beside Chanyeol. He felt the warmth slowly secede out of his body. When his skin was cold to the touch, Baekhyun placed a single kiss on Chanyeol’s lips and stood. The man who had been his first everything was now gone.

Jongin pulled him into an embrace and smoothed his hair. “He’s in a better place now.” Baekhyun nodded against him. He felt drained and heavy. Even breathing felt like a task, but he knew he had to.  He let Jongin lead him out of the room after the nurses wheeled Chanyeol’s body away.

He did not object when Jongin offered to have him stay with him instead. And he did not say a word when Jongin stripped him of his clothes and showered with him. He knew Jongin wouldn’t try anything, so he hardly felt a thing as Jongin rubbed the soap over his body with gentle touches. He was numb to the fact that Jongin had helped him put on pajamas and simply laid down and stared at the wall.

Chanyeol was gone. He was gone.

 

 --

 

 

_He was with Jongin and they had gone for a pleasant walk on the beach. Baekhyun had listened as Jongin told him about his life and interjected every now and then with bits and pieces of his own life. After walking for a while, they sat by the water’s edge and let the waves lap over their feet. Neither said a word, but somehow it was better that way. Then they returned to Baekhyun’s place to watch television while Jongin told him stories of the kids that came to his dance studio._

_Baekhyun had never really watched him talk about dance, but that night he did and it left him half-smiling. Just seeing how Jongin’s face lit up as he explained what he was teaching and how well they were learning, made him feel something he hadn’t felt in a long time._

_It was nearly three in the morning when they finally stopped talking and Jongin said he was leaving. But, Baekhyun had asked him to stay the night. He had no idea why he did, but it felt right. And so, here he was laying in his bed, thinking about the man who had kept him company all day._

_He had never felt the sense of betraying someone like he did in that moment. What would Chanyeol think? Would he be angry that Baekhyun had let some stranger – well Jongin was not quite a stranger, they had become some sort of friends over the last six months – in their bed._

 

\-- 

 

Once outside, he waited for Jongin to come out of the bar. He watched him stumble slightly and then locked the doors. The crisp night air pierced his thin sweater and he shivered. He cursed the fact that he had parked so far away today. He wrapped his arms around himself and started walking after Jongin. The latter turned around and then started taking off his coat.

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that.” Baekhyun said. They were almost at his car anyway.

Jongin pulled his coat back on.  He grumbled something under his breath and waited outside the passenger side when he reached Baekhyun's car.

 

\-- 

 

Baekhyun pulled his car into Jongin's apartment’s parking lot. The drive had been quiet and uncomfortable. Baekhyun could sense that something was bothering Jongin, but he did not want to ask him.

“Thanks.” Jongin said and got out the car.

Baekhyun went after him. “Wait.” He fiddled with the dog as he caught up to Jongin. “Thank you for the gift, again.”

“It’s nothing.” Jongin said and paused in the doorway. “Do you want to come in for a bit?”

Baekhyun looked back to his car and bit his lip. He turned back to Jongin. “Um, sure.” He followed him inside.

It was the first time he had been inside Jongin's apartment. The whole place was minimalistic and neat. There were no photos or personal touches anywhere. It reminded him of a hospital room. Baekhyun shuddered.

“It’s a little boring, but I was never one for home design.” Jongin tossed his keys into a bowl on his counter. He flopped onto his couch and groaned.

Baekhyun stood in the entryway. He fidgeted with the dog some more. “It’s nice.” His anxiety was rising. Why was everything so bare? He took a deep breath and calmed himself. “Do you need water?”

 

 --

 

 

If someone had told Baekhyun that he’d be spending New Year’s Eve with someone he had met at his job, he would have laughed in that person’s face. In fact, if that person had also told him he would be spending that same day with both that person and Chanyeol, he would have spat in their face. Yet, as he stared at his pale fingers interlaced between tan ones, he vibrated.

The train rattled as it sped into town. He watched the lights blur and for a split second he held his breath. But when Jongin squeezed his hand he turned to him gratefully. “Thanks.”

Jongin bumped his shoulder against Baekhyun's. “No need to be nervous. I’m sure it’ll go fine.”

Baekhyun nodded his head. They had spent the weekend in the next town over, and when Jongin asked him what his plans were for New Year’s Eve, Baekhyun decided it was time for Jongin to meet Chanyeol.

The train slowed as they neared the station and Baekhyun's hands began to tremble. He looked up at Jongin and gave him a weak smile. Was it okay to introduce his new boyfriend to his old one? Technically he and Chanyeol weren’t dating anymore as he had ‘broken up’ with him last week when he visited him. He had brought the idea up to Jongin in passing and the latter agreed that it would help him move on. And ever since the kiss they shared, Baekhyun had admitted to himself that he was truly falling for Jongin.

The train stopped and they got off. The hospice was only a few short blocks from the station, so they opted to walk there. The area was crowded as couples swarmed towards the center of downtown to see the fireworks. But, Baekhyun and Jongin were headed in the opposite direction.

When the doors came into view, Baekhyun's heart thudded loudly in his ears. They entered the lobby, signed in and then Baekhyun paused. He turned to face Jongin. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Jongin cupped his face. “I know.” He leaned down and kissed him gently. “You can do this.”

Baekhyun nodded and led Jongin to Chanyeol's room. He hesitated outside the door and then slowly opened it. He peered inside first and then let Jongin enter. He watched Jongin nervously as he looked around the room.

He wrung his hands as Jongin picked up the pictures and examined them. “These are the same ones you have at you place.”

“Yeah. I figured if I made it look like our room, he’d be more comfortable.” Walked over to Chanyeol and gestured towards him. “This is him.” He stared at Jongin as he looked at Chanyeol. “What are you thinking?”

Jongin sat down on the edge of the bed and gazed at Chanyeol with an unreadable look. “I can see why you dated him.” He offered.

Baekhyun laughed nervously. “Yeah.”

“And I think he would give us his blessing, if he could.” Jongin smiled at Baekhyun.

“You think?”

“Yeah, he seems like the kind of person who wants you to be happy.” Jongin shrugged. “Maybe I’m projecting, but I think he would want you to find someone who makes you happy.”

Baekhyun gazed at Chanyeol. “Yeah, I think so too.” He looked back to Jongin. “I’m really happy I met you.”

Jongin touched Baekhyun's chin and tilted his head up to him. He brushed his lips against Baekhyun's.

Baekhyun shuddered and pressed his lips harder against Jongin's. He let go of Chanyeol's hand and grabbed Jongin's as the fireworks went off outside. When he broke the kiss, he was breathless. He looked back to Chanyeol and smiled. He was ready to let him go.

 

 --

 

 

Baekhyun bit his lip as he waited outside of Jongin's apartment building. The icy wind stung his face, but he did not mind. Inside he was giddy and that was enough to keep him warm. He thumbed the plush dog on his keychain nervously. Tonight, was the first time he and Jongin were going to be alone since that night. It was the day after Christmas and exactly a week after they had kissed back in the bar. He glanced out to the busy street, city life had picked up already as people prepared for New Years.

He heard Jongin's door open and looked towards him, a small smile danced on his lips. He watched as Jongin descended the steps, heart racing. He rubbed the plush dog even harder with his thumb. At this rate he’d rub a hole on its head.

Jongin chuckled as he approached. “Nervous?” He had that devilish grin. That grin that got him in trouble.

Baekhyun jumped and put his hands behind his back. “No.” His eyes flicked up at Jongin's and then away. It was hard to look at Jongin directly like that. He was just too brilliant and too dazzling to behold.

Jongin laughed and tapped the passenger door. Baekhyun unlocked the doors and climbed in. He had yet to let Jongin drive him around, but he never complained and for that Baekhyun was grateful. The car ride to the opera was short and quiet, punctuated with a few quips from Jongin about the radio station Baekhyun had chosen.

The entrance to the opera house was grand. Ushers stood outside, guiding patrons through.

 

\--

 

_Chanyeol,_

_It’s been four very long years without you. I mean, you’re here, but you’re not_ here. _There’s so much I wanted to tell you…I should have been the one driving that night. I spent so many nights running that scenario in my head. So many nights wishing it had been me that was in your position. So many nights wishing I was dead. The only thing that kept me from rushing to meet you was the hope that one day you would wake up. The hope that somehow, everything would go back to how it was before the crash. I wanted so badly to just go back in time and stop us from getting into this whole mess._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! I hope you enjoyed this!
> 
> Until next time~


End file.
